A Series of Inordinate Events
by Kate McCaye
Summary: Each chapter is another Compromising Position. Most have an SJ slant.
1. Ergo Urgo

Compromising Positions: A Series of Inordinate Events

Author: Kate McCaye

Category: Humor

Pairing: Some S/J UST scattered randomly throughout

Rating: T overall, for safety, although each story will be rated accordingly

Summary: I have a long list of stories (some written, some partially written, some just jotted down in one sentence summaries) that fall under the heading "Compromising Positions." I've posted one of the longer ones, but many are much shorter. The shortest ones are going to be posted here as individual chapters, although they're actually really more like individual stories. Yay or nay? Let's try...

Title: Compromising Positions: Ergo... Urgo

Rating: K+

Setting: Takes place during Urgo, after Hammond confines them to the isolation quarters but before they meet Urgo for the first time.

A/N: While the phrase that loosely connects all of these stories ("This isn't what it looks like") doesn't actually appear in this story, in my head SG1 would be saying it after they're _not _under Urgo's influence, once they realize how silly they looked... and Hammond does describe the entire Urgo situation as SG1 being "compromised," so... it sort of works. I guess... Or that could just be the rationale I used when I decided to merge this series with that pesky Urgo story that's always been lurking around in my head.

Ergo... Urgo

Hammond watched as SG1 was escorted to the isolation quarters, to be placed under guard just as he had told them they would be. Despite their collective opinion that there was nothing wrong with them, Hammond somehow knew that wasn't the case. With SG1, things were never that simple.

Just because Fraiser didn't know what it was yet did not mean that whatever it was wasn't going to get worse. So far they had ransacked the commissary's dessert supply and attempted to overdose on coffee, and when he had sent them off to the isolation quarters they had behaved more like a pack of grumpy teenagers being grounded than anything else.

Exactly what he needed, of course. "Doctor... watch them carefully," Hammond instructed the only person remaining in the briefing room, Dr. Fraiser.

"Yes, sir," Fraiser replied, getting to her feet and leaving the room at a brisk pace.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"I'm _starving,_" Daniel complained.

"Me too," Sam whined.

"I'm _bored,_" Jack put in.

"I require both sustenance _and _entertainment," Teal'c added.

"God, how long have we _been _in here, it feels like forever!" Jack demanded.

Sam lifted her arm, checked her watch, and replied, "Thirteen minutes."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Janet watched the flagship team of the SGC through a small black and white monitor. All four of them were lying on their backs on the ground in the middle of the isolation quarters, forming a giant X on the ground, their heads all close together. She could tell they were talking to each other, but out of respect for their privacy, she wasn't monitoring their conversations constantly.

Out of curiosity, she turned the volume up, and it turned out to be just in time. Without moving from their positions on the floor, they started singing (and doing) the Hokey Pokey, which looked even sillier than normal since when they put their feet and hands 'in,' they were really sticking them straight up in the air. And Teal'c just looked down-right _goofy _'shaking it all about,' even on the floor.

Janet knew she should probably be combing through their bloodwork and x-rays for some tiny, previously overlooked anomaly that could _explain _this behavior, but she just couldn't bring herself to stop watching them.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Jack jumped to his feet so quickly that he made himself dizzy. "Woa, head rush."

"You okay, sir?"

"Yeah, it was actually kinda fun. Try it, Carter." He grabbed both her hands and jerked her up to her feet. She laughed and stumbled a bit, and they both pulled Teal'c to his feet and looked at him expectantly.

"I feel no different," he informed them.

"Aww, bad luck, Teal'c," Sam said sympathetically, patting his massive forearm as Jack hauled Daniel to his feet. Together, the four of them set out on their new mission. None of them noticed that they hadn't actually discussed this 'mission' out loud with each other.

They went to the door and banged on it until their guard opened it. "We're hungry," Jack informed the Airman on duty.

"Sorry, sir, you've got to stay here."

"Then bring us something to eat."

"And drink," Sam added.

"Right."

"All right, sir, I'll get someone to cover my post and go to the commissary."

"No, we want pizza," Daniel told him. The Airman looked at him incredulously. Like he was really going to take orders from a civilian archaeologist... please.

"Don't look at him like that, you heard him," Jack snapped. "We want pizza. And beer."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"Fraiser," Janet said as she answered the phone in her office. She listened to the Airman on the end of the line and said, "Absolutely not. I don't care how much Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter 'order' you, you are not going to pick up pizza and beer for them. Or anything else that's not already on this base, for that matter."

She slammed the phone down and went to get herself some aspirin. Why couldn't SG1 ever come to her with a simple complaint, like a cold or a paper cut or something?

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"I'm authorized only to bring you food from the commissary."

"Fine!" Jack barked. "Then I want pie... you might want to write this down."

He waited while the Airman located pencil and paper and continued. "I want an apple pie... not a piece, understand? AN apple pie. With vanilla ice cream. And milk. Carter?"

"Grilled cheese with the toast burnt. Oh, and tater tots. And blue jell-o. And water, coffee, and iced tea."

"Thirsty?" Daniel asked, before placing his order. "I want pancakes..."

"Sir, it's six o'clock in the evening," the Airman stated.

"I know that, but there were pancakes at breakfast so presumably there's still pancake mix around somewhere..."

"I want some pancakes too," Jack said. "And lots of syrup."

"Yeah," Daniel agreed. "And a banana... and one of those big sugar cookies... and a tuna fish sandwich. And coffee. Lots of coffee."

"I will have what O'Neill, Major Carter, and Daniel Jackson are all having, as well as a watermelon and a cheeseburger."

The Airman gaped at them all, wondering if they were just pulling his leg... actually, was it possible this whole 'mysterious alien influence Fraiser couldn't identify' was just some sort of prank? They all looked so serious though...

"And after you get all that find out who you've gotta sleep with around here to get a Playstation hooked up!" Jack barked as the Airman finally headed off down the hall, muttering to himself.

"I bet Sam could hook up a Playstation for you, Jack," Daniel said innocently.

Sam and Jack both gaped at him.

"I don't know why I said that," Daniel said, blushing bright red.

"You're just hungry, Daniel," Sam finally decided. "It's making you cranky. All of us. I'm _starving._"

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Janet watched as SG1 plowed their way through the eclectic dinner they had requested. Well, at least they were all quiet for the moment... although it was slightly disconcerting the way they kept sharing their food... not that she'd never seen them sample each other's meals before, but it generally required at least a little eye contact. They were passing forkfuls of food to each other and reaching out for them automatically, without looking up from their respective plates. And Janet had now officially watched Sam eat more in one sitting than the Major usually ate in about a week.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

After 'dinner,' they all wanted more dessert. The Airman was all set to run off and get it too when Janet came scurrying down the hallway with her arms full of board games. "No more food for a while, guys, you've had enough," she said firmly.

"Aw, come on, Doc, lighten up," Jack tried as Janet set the stack of games on the table.

"No, Colonel. And when that coffee's gone, that's it as well. You can have some nice, delicious water."

"Oh, joy," Sam and Daniel said sarcastically and simultaneously. Janet looked at them suspiciously.

"What?" they both asked. They looked at each other. "Stop it. You stop it. Hey!"

"Ack!" Jack interrupted. "Both of you stop!"

Teal'c went over to the pitcher of water and chugged it.

"I think we're going to need some more water," Daniel told Janet.

Janet left, muttering, 'What the hell is the matter with them?' It was a half-exasperated, half-serious question.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"This game is taking forever," Daniel whined. They were teaching Teal'c to play Monopoly, which of course hadn't taken long to teach, but was taking forever to play.

"You're just mad because you're losing," Jack said calmly, straightening his large stack of money for emphasis.

"Anyone can win this game, Jack, it's just dumb luck."

"Actually, that's not entirely true," Sam commented. "While there is a certain amount of luck involved..."

"Carter!"

"Sorry."

"Daniel Jackson, you have landed on my railroad property once again," Teal'c stated. "You owe me $200."

Daniel grumbled and forked over some Monopoly money.

"Let's play something else, this game is boring."

Surprisingly, everyone agreed. They made their way through Scrabble, checkers (playing in teams), and all the card games Jack and Sam could think of, stopping just short of playing strip poker. Jack suggested it. Surprisingly it had been Teal'c who shied away from the idea the most vocally. Everyone was surprised at first but then realized he didn't want to risk exposing his symbiote pouch to them for so long. Jack had to admit, the idea hadn't occurred to him at the time, but now he was a little relieved.

"What's the next game in that stack?" Jack called.

Daniel, who was putting the other games away, called, "Trivial Pursuit."

"Nah, next!" Jack called.

"Why can't we play Trivial Pursuit?" Daniel asked.

"Because Teal'c won't know any of them, Carter will only know the science questions, you'll know a little bit more because they divide history, science, and people and places, but I'll still beat all of you because I know the sports questions and the entertainment ones."

"Well, the only other game here that we haven't already played is Twister."

"Bring it on!" Jack called.

"What is a Twister?" Teal'c asked.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

General Hammond entered the infirmary. "Dr. Fraiser, do you have any news about SG1?"

"No, sir... I've just personally gone over all of their bloodwork for the second time. I can't find anything wrong with them, sir, but something _has _to be affecting their behavior."

"Are you certain of that, Doctor? People do get cravings occasionally, and..."

"Oh, I'm certain, sir... have a look for yourself."

Janet angled the monitor that displayed the isolation room so that Hammond could see it. He blinked in alarm. "Are they all right?"

His flagship team was lying in a tangled heap of arms and limbs in the middle of the isolation room floor... where was the guard who was supposed to be making sure nothing happened to them?

"They're fine, sir... it's a game," Janet explained, turning up the volume for the general. Four distinct laughs were emanating from the tangled pile.

"Okay, okay, I think we should make Sam be the spinner this time, since she's obviously the most flexible!" Daniel declared.

"She's also the most squashed at the moment!" Sam's muffled voice travelled up from the heap.

SG1 slowly disentangled themselves and got to their feet. They all looked very ruffled. Hammond could now see that they were standing on a mat with multi-colored circles on it.

"They're playing Twister... I brought them a bunch of board games to keep them diverted... it's so strange, sir, it's like they have the attention spans of children, which granted isn't that unusual for Colonel O'Neill, but as for the rest of them..."

"Why the games though, doctor?"

"Well, it _is _keeping them relatively happy, sir, and before I took them the games all they were doing was harassing the Airmen for dessert and coffee."

"I see."

"That's the last game though, so I'll probably have to think of something else soon. Maybe they'll crash from the sugar in their systems soon."

"It sounds more like they're having a slumber party than anything else, doctor," Hammond commented as they watched Daniel collapse on top of Jack and Sam and everyone started laughing again.

"Yes, sir, I was thinking the same thing. On that note, maybe I could set up a movie for them."

"That might be a good idea, doctor. And please, find out what's wrong with them."

"Yes, sir."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"I think I have a lot of work I should be doing," Sam commented casually.

"Me too," Daniel agreed.

"They won't let us leave the room, there's nothing you can do about it," Jack said with a shrug. "But I can't play Twister any more. My back and knee hurt. Anyone want to give me a massage?" he asked hopefully.

"No sir."

"I'll pass, Jack."

"I will give you a massage, O'Neill," Teal'c said calmly.

Sam and Daniel did impressive goldfish impressions at their largest team member.

"Uh... o...kay," Jack finally agreed.

Teal'c put one hand on Jack's shoulder and started his 'massage' and Jack squealed and jumped away.

"Thanks, all better!" he called, rubbing at his poor shoulder. "God, that was like a Vulcan death grip or something," he muttered to Carter, who was giggling.

"I thought you didn't watch sci-fi, sir," she challenged, still laughing.

"Well, I... I mean everyone knows about... oh shut up," he grumbled.

Janet entered with an Airman wheeling a television cart. "Movie time, children!" she called cheerfully.

"What are we watching?" Daniel asked, going over to the love seat, the only really comfortable piece of furniture in the room, and grabbing a seat. Sam, Jack, and Teal'c all eyed the space next to Daniel and made mad dashes for it; nobody wanted to end up sitting on the floor. Janet watched the three of them trying to elbow each other out of the way.

Teal'c and Jack finally both managed to wedge themselves in on the small sofa with Daniel, although Janet wasn't sure they'd ever be able to get up again, they were so tightly packed. Sam gave up struggling with Jack and Teal'c and zeroed in on Daniel, the only one she actually stood a chance at physically moving.

"Daniel, come on, let me sit there."

"No way."

"Daniel... please?" she tried, turning on a dime from tugging at his arms and shoving at his shoulders to giving him a sweet smile.

"That look's not going to work on me, Sam, go try it on Jack."

Janet looked at Daniel in surprise. Those kinds of comments were something that everyone _always _avoided.

Sam, smart girl that she was, changed tactics. She turned to Janet and said, "Could I have some popcorn during the movie?"

"Sure, Sam," Janet replied as she popped the tape in the VCR.

"I'll share with whoever lets me sit on the couch," she offered.

"There's a nice spot right here, Carter," Jack offered, patting the overstuffed arm of the sofa. She finally gave up and perched on the armrest, resting her chin on her knees.

"You look like a... Danny, what are those little bugs called that roll up into little balls..."

"Pill bugs?" Daniel suggested.

"Roly-polies!" Jack said at the same time.

"They're the same thing," Daniel said.

"No they're not..."

"Yes, sir, actually, they are," Janet said quickly, wanting to avoid an argument. "Okay, I'll go get your popcorn, Sam."

"Thanks, Janet."

"Can I have some too, please?" Daniel asked, giving her a puppy-dog look. Well, at least he wasn't asking for more coffee.

"Okay, but I've only got two bags left, so you'll have to share."

"You keep popcorn in your office?" Jack asked. "How come you've never shared before?"

"Because then you'd always be in my office, Colonel," Janet replied mildly.

"Good point," Jack and Daniel both said. They looked at each other and shrugged.

"Jan? Can I have a Diet Coke too, please?" Sam asked.

"All right."

"I want regular," Jack said quickly. "Please," he added.

"Okay. Popcorn and drinks. Teal'c, do you want ginger ale or something else?"

"Ginger ale would be most refreshing, Dr. Fraiser. Thank you."

"You're welcome. Okay, before I go, does anyone want anything else, because this is the _last _time I'm asking."

Everyone was quiet for a few moments. Then Sam piped up, "Can you bring me a blanket too?"

Janet made an irritated sound at the back of her throat and went to go get all of their crap for them. She already had one teenager at home, she didn't need to be put in charge of four more here... and the more demanding they were the less time she could spend trying to figure out what was _causing _all of this in the first place.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"Any luck, Doctor?" Hammond asked as he entered the infirmary again.

"Well, with determining what's causing their behavior, no sir, but they have been fairly quiet for the past hour and a half."

"The movie worked?"

"Yes, sir. They're watching Jurassic Park... it was the last video in the library that Teal'c hasn't watched yet."

Hammond came round to her side of the table to see his team on the monitor for himself. "Doctor, did you authorize this?" he asked sharply.

"Authorize what, sir... oh dear." Janet had been so busy with their medical records that she hadn't looked at the monitor for some time, finding it easier to keep it turned down low enough not to distract her but to where she could hear if they started getting restless again.

Sam was no longer perched on the arm rest. While it was hard to be certain, since all four of them were snuggled under the blanket Janet had brought for Sam, it looked like she was sitting half on Teal'c's lap, and half on Jack's.

Hammond left without saying anything. Janet hurried after him. She felt very much like a busy mother who had finally got all of her children to bed for the night, and she really didn't want Hammond getting them all riled up again.

Hammond walked into the isolation room and frowned immediately. Not one of the four people on the sofa meant for two acknowledged his entrance. While he wasn't as formal as most Generals were, he still expected people to at least sit up straight when he entered a room, but SG1 – even Carter, hadn't even looked away from the television.

He stood in front of the television with his arms crossed. That got their attention, but still, nobody moved. "General, you're blocking the tube!" Jack objected.

Janet paused the movie. "Sir... they're comfortable, I think they're about to fall asleep," she tried quietly, pulling him aside so SG1 wouldn't overhear.

"Doctor, my Second-in-Command has _his _Second-in-Command _in his lap._"

"She's also in Teal'c's lap as well... and Daniel's got his legs stretched out over all three of them," Janet pointed out. "Sir, the movie's already halfway over, please. Let's just leave them be and hope that none of them gets a second burst of energy any time soon."

"All right, Doctor, but I want an explanation for all of this as soon as possible."

"Yes, sir."

They started to leave.

"Janet!" Sam and Daniel chorused, while Jack called, "Doc!" and Teal'c said, "Dr. Fraiser," all at the same time.

"What?" she asked, turning back to them with a wince.

"Can you turn the movie back on?" Daniel asked.

She punched the Play button on the VCR and left them. They were _so _going to owe her for this. All of them.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"No!" Janet moaned as a loud noise from the Isolation room caught her attention. The nice, peaceful, cozy cuddly team she had left happily watching Jurassic Park was now having a loud, violent pillow fight with the sofa cushions.

This was the last straw. She wasn't doing this _anymore. _She made a couple of quick pit-stops and made her way to their room. Her heels clicking rapidly on the concrete floor, she hurried to the Isolation quarters and entered at full steam, dodging a flying cushion and yelling, "FREEZE!"

Everyone stopped where they were and looked at her. Sam was standing on the coffee table with a pillow raised over her head, on a frozen but direct path to Daniel's head. Jack and Teal'c were on the floor, Jack holding Teal'c in a loose sleeper hold that Teal'c was doubtlessly seconds away from escaping before Janet had entered.

"What is WRONG with you people!" Janet demanded, exasperated.

They all looked at each other and shrugged. "There's just not a lot to do in here, Janet," Sam tried to explain.

"It was just a rhetorical question... but I can't take this anymore. I can't babysit you and figure out what's wrong with you at the same time. So everyone listen up! Put the cushions back on the sofa, NOW."

They all scurried to comply.

"Now. Colonel, sit down on the couch and play with this," Janet ordered, handing him his Gameboy, which had been one of her pit-stops.

"Sam, take your laptop over to the desk in the back corner," Janet instructed, handing over the machine as she spoke.

Sam looked down at her laptop, then grinned at Janet. "Thanks!"

"You two go sit at the table and play chess," Janet added to Daniel and Teal'c, handing Daniel Cassie's magnetic chess set.

She waved the Airman standing guard into the room. "Take all of these games and the television out of here," she told him.

When SG1 started to complain, she held up her hand. "Your way didn't work, it just made me want to come in here and shoot the lot of you, so we're trying it this way. Everyone stay where I've put you and just... focus on what I've given you to do, until I come to get you for bed. Understood?"

"Yes," they all mumbled.

"And you can all think about how badly you're going to want the surveillance footage of yourselves back for safekeeping, and what it might take to persuade me to hand it over."

Janet turned and left them alone.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

_Fifteen minutes later..._

"BOOOOOORING..."

Jack looked up. "Who said that?"

The end.


	2. The Desk

A/N: To those who were expressing concern about my increasingly warped sense of humor, you are absolutely right. I'm choosing to blame it on the fact that blood that would normally be in my brain is now going tomy two symbiotes (my step-son has decided to refer to hisgrowing sibs as 'the symbiots.' Their father doesn't get it.)

Anyway, this story is proof of my ever increasing weird sense of humor, although I think I kept it relatively clean, considering the context, because I do know that there are younger readers for this series...

Title: Compromising Positions: The Desk

Rating: T

Pairing: S/J UST

Sam Carter walked down one of the lesser-used corridors of the SGC, wondering why she had been summoned to her CO's office. Her CO was very rarely _in _his office and had occasionally joked that he sometimes forgot where it was. Being in his office meant he had no excuse for missing memos and turning in paperwork late. So, nine times out of ten, if he needed her, Daniel, or Teal'c for anything, he stopped by their labs or quarters.

Today, however, he had called her in her lab and told her to come by as soon as she got a chance.

She knocked on the closed door, expecting him once again, not to be in. "WHAT?" he called gruffly from inside.

"It's me!"

"It's open!"

She let herself into the office, which seemed much smaller than it actually was because it was half-filled with several large boxes, all obviously containing computer equipment, judging by the labels.

"You got a new computer, sir?" Sam asked.

"Not willingly," he replied with a gesture towards the empty chair in front of his desk. She sat down, looking around the room. "Hammond came down for a report and saw my laptop last week."

"Ah." Sam didn't need more of an explanation than that. She herself was half-responsible for the pitiful state of her CO's laptop. He habitually got fed up with it and got a little too rough with it, and she habitually repaired it, jerry-rigging the battered thing up as best as she could. The last time she had to use quite a bit of duct tape, which she guessed was probably what had offended the General so much.

"Yeah, so Hammond figures if I have a big one..."

"Desktop."

"Fine, if I have a _desktop, _I won't beat the crap out of it. We'll just see about that."

"Sir... did you really call me down here just to set up your computer for you? Because I was actually in the middle of an experiment with the..."

"No!" he said defensively. "That's not why I called you down here at all, Carter, if you must know."

"Sorry, sir."

"I was calling to inform you that your dad's gating in today."

"Yes, sir, General Hammond told me this morning."

"Oh. Okay then."

"Was that all, sir?"

"Yup..." he hesitated and said, "Well, as long as you're down here, Carter... would you mind setting up my new computer?"

She made an irritated sound at the back of her throat but nevertheless started opening the nearest box.

Half an hour later, she had everything set up experimentally. "Do you want your monitor in the middle of the desk like this, or off to one side?"

"Hmm... let's see what it looks like over in the right corner."

Sam patiently moved the monitor to the right corner of his desk, along with the speakers, mouse pad, and mouse.

"Maybe the left?" he suggested after a while.

"Sir," she complained, moving everything once again.

"What? I'm just trying to make my desk as conducive to productive working as possible."

"Right. Then you and Daniel are going to shave your heads and become Jaffa."

He laughed and said, "Good one, Carter."

"Thanks."

He was quiet for a minute and finally said, "I think I liked it best in the middle." At the look that earned him, he quickly said, "But here is good. Definitely the best choice. Let's take a break."

From the drawer closest to his right leg, he pulled out a carafe full of steaming hot coffee. She watched him incredulously as he set two coffee mugs down beside it and poured them both coffee, nudging her cup across the desk to her. She sat back down, picked up the mug, and said, "So... may I ask where..."

"Borrowed it from the commissary... without their knowledge," he said with a shrug. "You and Daniel have pots in your labs but I'm not usually in here long enough to bother with that... I tried it for a while but I was always finding really old, used filters in there and stuff... so this is my solution."

"Sir..." Sam started experimentally, an idea just occurring to her. "You weren't... _grounded _to your office recently by any chance, were you?"

"Now what would make you say something like... okay, yeah. Maybe I was," he admitted. "Hammond, it turns out, has 'lost his patience with me once and for all, and I am not to leave this office until I am completely up to date on all of my paperwork.'"

"I see," Sam said, trying to hide a smile. "So, since you couldn't come find your usual distractions..."

"I got you to come to me. Yup. Teal'c didn't fall for it."

"Hmm. Teal'c can't be court-martialed for ignoring you, sir. What if you need to go to the toilet?"

"I asked Hammond that too and he just rolled his eyes. So I assume that means I'm allowed to go."

"I would hope so. You _did _make backup copies of the files from your laptop that you were working on, right?"

"Um... what?"

Sam sighed and leaned over the desk, picked up his phone, and called Siler. "Siler, can you find Colonel O'Neill's old laptop and send it back to his office? Thanks."

She turned to her CO and asked, "How did you expect to continue working on your new computer without access to the files from your old computer?"

"I thought they were all on a network..."

"Did you _put _them on the network?"

"No."

"They don't hop onto the network all by themselves, Colonel."

"Oh. Hey, how come I didn't get a cool monitor like you and Daniel have?"

"A flatscreen?"

"Yeah. Those thin, small, neat-looking ones."

"I don't know, maybe the General thought you'd be less likely to throw this big one," Sam suggested.

"Maybe. Do you know where I can find a 'Simpsons' mouse pad?"

"I don't know... that electronics store in the mall?"

"Nope. Checked there already."

"I'm sure I could find one on the Internet after I get your computer all hooked up."

"Cool. Well, while we wait for Siler, can I interest you in a game of rubbish bin basketball?"

Sam laughed. She really did have a fair amount of her own work to do, not that any of it was emergency related. And it wasn't like there weren't countless other employees perfectly capable of plugging in the Colonel's new computer... actually, she was pretty sure he could do it himself if he would bother to look at it at all. The man was capable of assembling and disassembling nuclear devices, surely he could match up which plugs went where...

"Sure. Loser has to make a jell-o run," she stipulated.

"I'm not supposed to leave this room," Jack reminded her.

"Then I guess you'd better win, sir."

Twenty minutes later, Siler showed up with Jack's old laptop. He looked around the messy office, cluttered with boxes and Styrofoam from the new computer, but even more cluttered with tons of paper balls more or less in the vicinity of the rubbish bin.

Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill, both seated in chairs, were lobbing balls at the bin and apparently having the time of their lives. Siler was irked. His To-Do list was a mile long, and two of the base's supposedly 'most important' people were in here playing.

"Here's the computer you requested, Major," Siler said, setting it on the edge of the Colonel's desk.

"Thanks, Siler," Major Carter said with a smile.

"Yeah, thanks Sparky. Want to take a shot?" Colonel O'Neill offered, tossing him a ball of paper.

Siler caught it but shook his head. "Don't have time, sir."

"Aw, come on, Siler, sure you do. It's a great stress reliever. Come on, you could use a little break."

"Well, okay..." Siler easily lobbed the ball into the bin.

"Wow, nice shot!" Carter complimented him.

"Two in a row?" O'Neill challenged, tossing him another ball. Siler sank this one as well.

"Siler... you've done this before, haven't you?"

O'Neill continued to feed him ammunition until Siler finally missed. "Twenty-one in a row, unbelievable. Siler, that's a new record!" he praised the man enthusiastically.

Siler was proud. It was stupid, but he was still proud. "Thank you, sir. I'd better get back to work now."

"All right, stop by anytime, I think I should be taking pointers from you!"

Siler left them to their game. O'Neill was right, he did feel much better after the little break.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Sam finally won the game. Jack got to his feet and said, "Fine, I'll go get the jell-o, but if Hammond catches me and chews me out I'm telling him it's all your fault."

"Fair enough, sir," Sam called. She highly doubted he would actually do that – it would probably only land him in even more trouble with the General.

She took the opportunity to plug in his old laptop and start transferring files to a USB memory device. By the time he came back, humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme with a container of jell-o in each hand, she was nearly done.

"What are they gonna do with Homer?" Jack asked as he pulled silverware out of his pocket, handed her the spoon, and kept the fork.

"Homer?" Sam repeated.

Jack nodded at the laptop.

"You named your computer?"

"Yup."

"And you named it Homer?"

"Him, Carter. Named _him _Homer."

"Sorry, sir. Well, I suppose _Homer _will be taken apart and all the pieces I haven't already had to fiddle with will be saved for repairs and things and the rest will be trashed."

"Not Homer!"

"Sir... you're the reason he's so beat up in the first place..."

"Yeah, but that's different... I can't let him be... stripped and sold for parts!"

"Well... truthfully there's probably not much in there that anybody really needs... why don't you just keep Homer somewhere discreet and I'll tell Siler it was too far gone for anything."

"Cool. Thanks. And Carter?"

"Sir?"

"Don't tell anybody I named him Homer."

"Yes, sir."

After they finished their jell-o and Sam had finished putting all of Jack's files onto the USB device, she shut down that computer and moved onto the new one. Jack quickly stowed Homer in yet another almost-empty drawer of his large desk. Sam came round to his side and slid the tower in its hidden spot inside and under the desk. Jack scooted back in his chair to give her some room as she scrunched into the area where his legs usually took up residence.

"What are you doing down there?"

"I've just got to plug everything into the tower, sir, and connect the surge protector... printer, Ethernet, monitor, mouse, keyboard, speakers..."

"Okay, okay," he interrupted.

"It won't take long, sir. What are you going to name this one?" she called lightly.

"Very cute," he replied sarcastically. His phone rang and he automatically scooted back up to his usual spot to answer it. "O'Neill."

Sam frowned as her CO's boot-clad foot nudged her ribcage under the desk. It was dark under there, and taking longer for her to plug everything in than she had thought. She quickly surmised, from her CO's end of the conversation, that he was talking to Cassie.

Jack had been talking to Cassie (which was really about 80 _listening _to Cassie) for about ten minutes when Jacob Carter knocked on his open door frame and entered with a smile and a wave. He didn't say hello once he saw that Jack was on the phone, instead mouthing, 'I'll wait,' and gesturing at the empty chair.

Jack couldn't do anything but nod. He had Cassie chatting his ear off about something that had happened at school, and was now in a very awkward situation. Jacob sat down to wait patiently, looking around at the boxes and paper balls curiously. Jack watched him nervously.

There was no way Jacob could see Carter under his desk, but... well, at this point Jack would just have to make sure she _stayed _under there until he could get Jacob out of the room. It would look really, really, _really _bad otherwise. God, how did he get himself into these situations?

He could feel Carter squirming around under the desk and hoped she didn't say anything. Since he was on the phone, maybe she wouldn't... Jack's eyes suddenly fell on Carter's cup of jell-o, still sitting on his desk. There was still a bit of blue in it, and a bit of red in his own. And two coffee cups... this was _so _not going to be good.

Carter tapped his leg, presumably trying to get him to move because she was finished with the computer. He nudged her back. She tugged on his trousers, below the knee, more insistently. He nudged harder, not sure what part of her he was making contact with but hoping she got the message.

Sam let out a muffled "Mmmph" as her CO's boot hit her shoulder. He coughed loudly and nudged her harder, this one very nearly qualifying as a kick. Of all the nerve! She had just taken a good chunk out of her day to connect his stupid computer for him and just because Cassie was on the phone he couldn't be bothered to let her crawl out from under his desk? It was HOT under there, and stuffy, for crying out loud!

She pinched his calf. He jerked, banged both knees on the underside of the desk, and accidentally brought his foot down on three of her fingers. She winced and grabbed his ankle, lifting his foot up off of her hand, and tried to shake her fingers out.

Jack desperately wanted Thor to beam him up, _now. _What in the hell was she _doing _under there? He was very clearly telling her to stay put, and she was the smartest person he knew. Surely she could put two and two together... but no, she had to keep pinching and poking at his legs, moving, making noises... Jacob was definitely looking at him funny. There was only so much a nicely-placed cough could cover!

Okay, Sam thought. That was _definitely _a kick. And while she knew he couldn't see where he was aiming, that one had caught her right in the left breast, and it _hurt_. She smacked his leg, hard. He cleared his throat loudly and said into the phone, "Sorry, Cass, leg cramp... _really _annoying one... yes, that's a good idea, I _should _eat more potassium... thanks, Cassie... I'll talk to you later, okay? Okay, love you too, bye."

As soon as he hung up the phone, three things happened at once: Jack immediately pushed away from his desk, got quickly to his feet, and said hastily, "Sorry about that, Jacob, long time no see!"; Jacob said, "Hi Jack, sorry to interrupt, but I was wondering if you've seen Sam..."; and Sam crawled out from under the desk with a grumpy, "You're _welcome, _Colonel, my God what was so important that you couldn't bother to let me get up after you _knew _I was done..."

All three of them froze as Sam saw her Dad, her Dad saw her, and all three of them realized how the situation looked. Jack squeezed his eyes shut, hoping that if Thor wasn't in the neighborhood, he would at least suddenly find himself in another time loop.

No such luck, apparently. Jack finally looked at Jacob, who was either having a seizure of some sort or internally fighting with Selmak for control. Jack glanced down at Sam, who was still looking over the desk at her dad, completely frozen like the proverbial deer in the headlights. Her cheeks were bright pink; apparently the underneath part of his desk was poorly ventilated. But the rest of her face was completely ashen.

Jack and Sam recovered at roughly the same time and both started trying to explain the situation to Jacob, Jack pulling his 2IC to her feet roughly by the elbow.

"This isn't what it looks like," they both said quickly.

"See, I got a new computer," Jack started.

"And you know the Colonel and computers, Dad..."

Jacob finally gained the ability to speak and move again, and he looked mad. Very, very mad. He glared at them both, turned on his heels, and stomped out of the office bellowing, "GEORGE!"

"Oh crap," Jack said quickly. "Carter, don't take this personally, but if I have to I _will _use you as a human shield to keep your father from killing me."

Jack and Sam hurried off to face the music.


	3. Bubble Wrap

Title: Bubble Wrap

Rating: K+

Setting: After Homecoming (Season 7)

A/N: I have nothing against Potter Barn, I actually quite like it, but somehow I can't see Jack O'Neill sharing the sentiment. Sam might seem a bit off in this one - it's been brought to my attention that she probably wouldn't actually do this... I think it's possible she would, just because she's glad Daniel's back. And she lightened up in Season 7... let us not forget 'Space Race,' after all... Anyway, enjoy.

Compromising Positions: Bubble Wrap

Sam Carter got out of her car reluctantly, checking the address and her watch. She was five minutes late, but her CO's truck was noticeable only in its absence. The newly reunited, original SG1 was on a new mission on this sunny, hot Saturday. They were helping Dr. Daniel Jackson, freshly descended and with 95 percent of his memory returned (and counting), move into a new apartment.

Helping Daniel move in and out of various apartments was something she probably should have been getting tired of after all these years, but this time she really didn't mind at all; she was just glad to have him back. And despite all of the Colonel's whining about 'we're not running a moving service here, fercryinoutloud Daniel,' Sam knew that he was just as happy to have Daniel back as she was. And Teal'c, well... Teal'c had even been spotted smiling recently. Twice.

Sam buzzed Daniel from the front door. He let her in, and she found her way up to his apartment easily. It was a large, bright apartment, much nicer than his last ones had been. Colonel O'Neill had joked that Daniel couldn't remember his last three 'bat-caves' when Daniel had showed them the apartment. Daniel's things had mostly been put into storage, and yesterday the three men of SG1 had hauled most of it to the new apartment. Sam had luckily escaped that by 'working late in the lab.' From the way her CO had narrowed his eyes at her suspiciously, she doubted he had bought the urgency behind said work, but he hadn't called her on it.

As Sam knocked on Daniel's door, he opened it with a big smile. "Hey, Sam, come on in. You're the first one here."

"Did the Colonel call and say he was running late?"

"Um, no. You're welcome to call him if you want... oh wait, the phone isn't hooked up yet..."

"I've got my cell phone," Sam said with a shrug. "It's not a big deal, let's just get started."

"Sure, sounds good."

Sam looked around and noticed that nearly every box was labelled "Fragile."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"Ohfercryinoutloud, Murray, just pick out a nice spice rack or something and let's go," Jack said, frustrated. He really should have made Carter take Teal'c shopping. The Jaffa had watched way too much television. He got it in his head that he needed to get a housewarming gift for Daniel, despite Jack's assurances that Daniel already had more crap than he knew what to do with.

Teal'c merely ignored that and requested to be taken to Pottery Barn.

Jack was not entirely sure what a Pottery Barn actually _was_, but Carter had looked awfully happy about the idea of Jack and Teal'c taking a trip there.

Yeah, and if she were here right now she would be giggling like there was no tomorrow, Jack thought as he tried to edge away from Teal'c, close enough to keep an eye on him but far enough away that maybe people wouldn't think they were together.

It wasn't Teal'c's sudden obsession with yuppie furniture that bothered him so much. It was mostly the wardrobe. Now, Jack had to admit he had taken a lot of pleasure in helping Teal'c 'blend' when he had first joined the Tau'ri. But come on, it had been seven years. Enough was enough. Teal'c was dressed like a twelve year-old kid who fancied himself the next Tony Hawk: huge long shorts with about three times as many pockets as anybody would ever need, a short-sleeved button-down shirt that was black with flames round the bottom hem, licking their way up the shirt, and a knit cap with the South Park kids on it. Well, that Jack didn't mind so much. But he got along just fine for fifty-ish years without seeing Teal'c's massive canoe-like feet in a pair of sandals, and felt he could have quite happily survived another fifty without seeing that.

It really wasn't even the way Teal'c was dressed; Jack himself was never really too bothered by what he wore. If Cassie made barfing noises and stuck her tongue down her throat at one of his shirts, well, he took that subtle hint. But generally speaking, he could care less what he or Teal'c wore. But there was just something about Teal'c's ensemble, inherent massive size, and the meticulous way he was picking through everything in the store and talking with nearly every sales person they saw that was making Jack wish he was anywhere else. Even the infirmary.

His cell phone rang and he snatched it out of his pocket gratefully. "Carter! Base emergency?"

"No, sir, just wondering if you really expected Daniel and me to do all this by ourselves."

"Don't worry, Major, the big strong men will be there as soon as I can get the bigger, stronger man to stop picking out wax lilies and brick-a-brack."

There was a prolonged silence on the other end and his 2IC said, "What, sir?"

"Teal'c is still shopping for that _perfect _gift. And I've found a new level of hell."

She snorted and said, "Oh. Okay, then, have fun, don't hurry over here on our account..."

"Very funny. With any luck we'll get there around lunch time. You and Danny okay with pizza? We'll swing by and pick it up on the way."

"Sounds good to me, sir. It doesn't look like Daniel's done a whole lot of grocery shopping either though so be sure you get something to drink."

"Consider it done." Beer and pizza. The day was looking up.

"Sir? Remember Daniel and beer... he might not. Remember, that is. So... maybe it would be best if you didn't..."

"Aw, Carter, what are you trying to do, rain on my parade?"

"Never, sir."

"All right. I'll bring soda."

"Sounds good sir. Good luck."

"Yeah," he mumbled into the phone, hanging it up. He pocketed the phone and looked around for Teal'c. "Aw, T, come on, nobody needs a bowl shaped like a leaf!"

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"You'll never believe what they're doing," Sam said as she snapped her cell phone shut and tucked it into the back pocket of her jeans.

"What?" Daniel asked.

"They're at Pottery Barn... do you remember what that is?"

Judging by the way Daniel burst out laughing at the thought of Jack O'Neill and Teal'c, ultimate Jaffa warrior, in Pottery Barn, Sam guessed that yes, Daniel did remember.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"Murray, look," Jack said, losing his patience. "First of all, none of these pillows match each other. Second, they don't match the furniture either. Third, nobody needs this many pillows!"

"They are not supposed to match, O'Neill, that is the point!" Teal'c stated firmly. He really felt he was much more knowledgeable on this subject that O'Neill was. After all, O'Neill did not even like home improvement and decorating programs.

"Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear," a helpful salesman tried to offer. "Maybe I can help. It's very difficult, combining decorating styles. You wouldn't believe the number of disagreements we try to put out on a regular basis here... I've actually seen couples split up right here in the store over sconces and towels."

Jack stared at the man, trying to figure out if he was implying he thought he and Teal'c were a couple. Not that there was anything wrong with that, but seriously... Jack and Teal'c? Jack looked at the way Teal'c was dressed and suddenly became very aware of how immaculately the man groomed his eyebrows.

"Ohfercryinoutloud," he growled.

Teal'c apparently didn't get it, because he only corrected the man by saying, "We are not shopping for ourselves, we are buying a housewarming gift for our friend's new apartment."

"Oh, okay, well that's much easier then!" the salesman said brightly. "How is your friend's apartment decorated?"

"Like a museum," Jack said tersely.

"Perfect. Let's move over to this section, shall we? I'm Bryan, by the way."

"I am Murray," Teal'c said, remembering his cover.

"Jack," Jack stated reluctantly, following the two over to a different section. He was thrilled when his cell phone rang again a few minutes later.

"O'Neill."

"Hi Jack. Sam's in the bathroom."

"Wow, thanks for the update, Daniel."

"No, I mean, I'm calling while she's not in the room. I wanted to let you know it's okay with me if you want to bring beer."

"I don't know, Danny, Carter's got a good point. If you recall, you're a bit of a lightweight, so unless the two of you have already finished unpacking all your breakables, it might be best to stick to soda."

Jack realized Bryan and Teal'c were looking at him with similar scowls, clearly not happy that he was more interested in an inane phone conversation than in shopping.

"Well, whatever you want, I don't care," Daniel said. "Are you guys almost finished?"

"I don't know, I'm starting to get concerned our pal Murray here might be considering a change in career."

Daniel laughed and said quickly, "I heard the toilet flush, gotta go!"

Jack hung up his phone chuckling, and turned to see what 'Murray' was looking at now. "Don't you think you already own enough candles?" he asked, getting more exasperated by the second.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"Were you on the phone?" Sam asked.

"No... um, yes, actually... Jack called again. Bored, I guess."

"Hmm." Sam looked around the room. They had worked their way through about half of the boxes, so the room was now littered with tons of bubble wrap from all of Daniel's carefully packaged, fragile stuff.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Bryan raised his eyebrows as Jack's cell phone rang yet again and he practically ripped the pocket off the front of his shirt trying to get to it quickly.

"He's quite popular," Bryan commented to Murray.

"Indeed," Murray responded, busy examining a decorative map.

On the phone, Jack said, "I'm working on it, Carter."

"I take it he's... not available?" Bryan asked Murray casually.

"He is on the phone," Murray answered.

"I know, but..."

Jack had heard Bryan's question and rolled his eyes. Then he did the first thing that popped into his head. "Sorry, it looks like we're going to be here a while longer, Car... Sam... Samantha. Why don't you take a break from unpacking until we get there? It _is _supposed to be your day off, you know, and Daniel's too, I don't want you wearing yourselves out. Is there anything else you want me to get at the store?"

Across town, Sam gaped into her phone. "Um... just the soda I guess, sir..."

"Of course, diet and regular. I'll get some ice cream as well, call me if you think of anything else! See you soon SAMANTHA."

He pocketed his phone again and turned to Teal'c and Bryan. "Oh, sorry, that was a little loud, wasn't it?"

"Loud and clear," Bryan muttered under his breath.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Back at Daniel's apartment, Sam was still staring at her phone thirty seconds after Jack had hung up.

"Sam? You okay?" Daniel asked.

"I think maybe your amnesia is contagious, Daniel," she finally stated.

"What?"

"Nothing. Looks like we're almost done with the living room."

"Yeah."

"I don't know what in the world we're going to do with all this bubble wrap," Sam commented absently as she gathered up an armload of it to try to smush in one of the boxes already full of it.

Daniel suddenly burst out laughing.

"You okay?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, I just remembered something new... remember when we first became a team, and Jack made us wear those big hard hats all the time?"

"Yes," Sam said wryly. She had _not _appreciated that one bit. Okay, she was a scientist, but she was also a soldier. The clumsy scientist stereotype didn't exactly work on her.

"Remember when we finally got him to stop, and then on our first trip in regular hats we slid down that hill and got all scraped up?"

"Yeah..."

"Remember what Jack said?"

Sam laughed. "Yeah, he said he was going to wrap us both up in bubble wrap next time to keep us from getting hurt."

Daniel was studying the bubble wrap in his hands. Sam looked down at her own. They _did _have a lot of time to kill...

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Teal'c finally made his selection for Daniel... a giraffe lamp. Jack had finally stopped offering suggestions, and when he was asked for his opinion between the giraffe lamp and a fluffy, white, monogrammed-while-you-wait bathrobe, Jack had just pointed at the giraffe wordlessly. Lesser of two evils, and all that.

Giraffe lamp in tow, they finally left Pottery Barn. On their way to the pizza place, Teal'c commented, "Bryan was most helpful. He gave me his phone number should I be further interested in redecorating."

Jack opened his mouth to comment and then just shut it and kept driving.

His stomach was growling as he and Teal'c made their way up to Daniel's apartment with pizzas, soda, and the lamp. A woman who lived in the building was leaving as they approached, so they didn't even have to ring for Daniel to buzz them up.

Entering the unlocked apartment, Jack froze, his mouth falling open at the sight before him.

The smartest people he had ever met hadn't noticed they had company yet. They were both wrapped from the neck down in many layers of bubble wrap, so that they both moved awkwardly with loud rustling noises and stiff, clumsy movements, like little Stay-Pufft Marshmallow men... or women, he supposed, in Carter's case.

Each had some sort of carved, wooden weapon in hand, no doubt part of Daniel's museum-like antique collection, and they were fighting and laughing at the same time. Each time one of them landed a blow, the sound of many popping bubbles filled the air.

As Jack and Teal'c watched, Carter accidentally knocked Daniel's weapon right out of his hands. He laughed, shrugged, and just charged her, tackling her to the ground. They wrestled around for several moments, bubbles popping loudly, finally crashing into the coffee table, Carter's head coming dangerously close to connecting with the sharp corner of the table in the process.

"Hey, watch it kids!" Jack exclaimed.

Carter and Daniel both froze hearing his sharp, barking order. They both looked up at him with such guilty looks on their faces that Jack had to bite his cheek to keep from laughing out loud. Carter was still lying on top of Daniel, so Daniel was actually looking up at him upside down. Jack finally burst into laughter as Carter got to her feet and pulled Daniel to his. They were both trying to look casual and nonchalant, which just made them look ridiculous, considering the fact that they looked more like translucent snowmen than anything else at the moment.

Finally, as Jack's laughter died down, Daniel and Carter both said, "This isn't what it looks like."

Still chuckling, Jack said, "Oh I don't know, it looks like you've finally taken my advice. Not such a silly idea after all, is it? I think I'll bring this up with Hammond on Monday, suggest that bubble wrap become mandatory field gear for all off-world scientists... after all, we now have proof of how effective it is at protecting you two from hurting yourselves..."

"You wouldn't!" Daniel exclaimed.

"Sir... maybe it would be best if we just kept this incident between the four of us," Carter started, trying to begin unwrapping the layers of bubble wrap around one arm.

"I don't know, Carter, I really think we're onto something here, it would be a shame to keep such valuable safety information from the General..."

Teal'c spoke for the first time since they had entered the apartment. "Perhaps if you agree not to mention this event, O'Neill, I will not mention that Bryan from Pottery Barn attempted to ask you on a date."

"Teal'c!" Jack said exasperatedly. "You just DID mention it!"

Carter and Daniel were _both _giggling now.

"Then I will not mention it _again, _O'Neill."

"This isn't how it sounds, see, T and I were arguing..." Jack started to explain.

"At least that explains the weird phone call," Carter said suddenly, sparing him.

"Yeah, sorry about that," Jack said. "Okay, I'll go with Teal'c's idea. Nobody say anything."

"Deal," Daniel and Sam both agreed.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

An hour later, as they finished up the pizza, Jack looked around the room and said, "Think there's enough bubble wrap left for another round?"

The end.

A/N: Special thanks to my sis for this one - she always used to tell Jack and me she was going to wrap us in bubble wrap to keep us from hurting ourselves when we were kids. One day we decided to take her up on it. All the O'Neill/Teal'c stuff was really just created to make the story longer.


	4. Above and Beyond the Call of Duty

Title: Above and Beyond the Call of Duty

Rating: K+

Setting: Season 6

Summary: Jonas, being Jonas.

A/N: Thanks so much for the feedback on the last couple of chapters - I really appreciate it. I'm glad other people found the idea of Jack and Teal'c in Pottery Barn as amusing as I did. This is the last short Compromising Position for the time being, but I've got two longer ones in early stages, and I'll probably start the next Birthday Traditions this weekend if I have time.

I know a lot of people don't like Jonas, but I love his upbeat, puppy-dog attitude. (Of course, I was still elated when Daniel returned.) Anyway, on with the story...

Compromising Positions: Above and Beyond the Call of Duty

Jack O'Neill stepped off the elevator onto level 28 and was immediately accosted by Jonas Quinn, who appeared out of nowhere with his usual big smile firmly in place.

"Good morning, Colonel O'Neill!" he said cheerfully. How was it possible for someone to be so cheerful so incredibly early in the morning? It was unnatural.

"Morning, Jonas..." He looked around for Carter, but Jonas was alone. Strange. He was almost always following Carter around, puppy-like.

"I wanted to ask you something," Jonas continued.

Jack eyed the coffee mug in Jonas's hand covetously and said, "Shoot."

Jonas looked confused for a moment. He was doing that blank smile thing he did to cover when he didn't get something Jack said. It was subtly different from his other smiles.

"It's just an expression. Go ahead. Ask away."

"Well... it's a favor."

"Let's hear it."

"A big favor."

"Jonas, tell me what it is already."

"Okay. Well, the thing is... I like someone."

_That _certainly got Jack's attention. "All right, I'm listening."

"Let's go to the lab so we're not overheard," Jonas said quietly, heading for Daniel's lab.

Jack had to appreciate the fact that even after months, Jonas still refrained from calling it his own lab, at least in front of Jack. "All right. You've got coffee in there, right?"

"Yes, absolutely."

"Good."

Ten minutes later, they were in Jonas's lab, Jack halfway through a pretty decent cup of coffee. Jonas closed the door, which slightly alarmed Jack. "What's up, Jonas?"

"Well, like I said, I like someone. And I'd really like to ask her out, but..."

"I don't think the General would have a problem with that, as long as she drives," Jack said.

"I... I wasn't talking about that, but that's a good point. Um, okay. The thing is... I don't know if she likes me back or not."

"Hmm, well in my experience, if she says yes she likes you, if she says no... not so much. Shouldn't you be talking to Carter about this?"

"I can't," Jonas said quickly. "I mean, I tried, but..."

Jack narrowed his eyes. Was he _talking _about Carter in the first place? Surely Jonas knew better than to go developing a crush on Carter. Then again, they _did _hang out a lot, but Jack always assumed it was because Carter didn't want him to feel left out. Hmm. Well, this was a problem.

"Jonas, you know how... risky... relationships with co-workers are, right? It doesn't just affect you, it affects the other people who work with you too..."

"How'd you know I was talking about a co-worker?" Jonas asked.

"Lucky guess. Who else are you gonna meet?"

"Oh, good point. Okay, well... are you saying I shouldn't ask her out then?"

"I just want you to think very carefully about the possible ramifications... especially if you aren't even sure if she likes you or not."

"When I brought this up with Major Carter she was all for it," Jonas said, puzzled.

"She _was?_"

"Well... yeah... but then I tried to get her to see if Lieutenant Rush might be interested and she called me a chickensh..."

Jack laughed loudly, suddenly relieved and unable to believe he had even entertained the thought in the first place... Carter and Jonas... Ha!

"What?" Jonas asked self-consciously.

"Nothing, nothing. Sorry, I just... didn't realize you were talking about Lieutenant Rush."

"Oh." Jonas studied him for a moment and said, "Do you even know who Lieutenant Rush _is_?"

"Well... no. Not exactly."

"She works in the infirmary. Blond hair... about this tall..."

"Oh."

"You still don't know, do you?"

"Sorry, Jonas. But why don't you ask her out and then introduce me to her once you hit it off?"

"So... wait, you've changed your mind then? You think it's a good idea now? What about the co-workers situation?"

"Well, this is a special circumstance though, because it's not like you're going to meet someone else... somewhere else. And you don't work _together, _really, you just work in the same building. I say go for it."

"I was hoping you'd say that," Jonas said, looking relieved. "There's another thing though... this is where the favor comes in."

"Sure, name it."

Jack realized, later, that it was at this point that he doomed himself. Unfortunately, at the time, he was so relieved that he wasn't going to have to deal with an awkward "Jonas likes Carter" situation that the words were out of his mouth before he could think about what he might be agreeing to.

Never, in a million years, would he have imagined Jonas saying the next thing that he said.

"Colonel O'Neill... can you teach me to dance?"

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Jack stared at Jonas, wondering if Carter had put him up to this, and she and Teal'c were watching on a security monitor somewhere laughing their asses off...

Unfortunately, Jonas looked way too sincere for that to be the case. Jack cleared his throat and said, "Um, Jonas, once again... shouldn't you be talking to Carter about this?"

"Major Carter can dance?" Jonas asked. "She's never mentioned it... she's already spent so much time teaching me things... lockpicking, and about the Stargate and all... I just thought maybe she'd want a break. Besides, she's really busy this week with that device SG17 brought back."

"All true, but... what makes you so sure _I _can dance?"

"Well... I don't need to be able to win a competition or anything, I just don't want to look like... well, like an alien. And besides, Dr. Fraiser told me you chaperoned one of Cassandra's dances a few years ago, and that you were a surprisingly good dancer."

"Did she now? Well, I'll have to kill her later," Jack muttered, scratching the back of his head and wincing. "Look, Jonas... if you don't know how to dance, why don't you just ask Lieutenant Rush to a movie or something?"

"Because, you can't talk or even look at each other at a movie. Besides, on all your television shows and movies, it seems like the date goes best when the people go dancing."

"Ohforcryinoutloud."

"Does that mean you will?" Jonas asked hopefully.

"All right... _if _I agree to this, Jonas, you cannot tell _anyone _about it. _Especially _Carter and Teal'c. Understood?"

"Of course."

"And we'll have to do it really late at night... in the gym, I guess, would be the best place. Okay, I'll meet you in there at one... bring Daniel's stereo and whatever CDs you can find."

"Thank you, Colonel O'Neill," Jonas said gratefully.

"Yeah, whatever," Jack muttered grumpily, heading off to breakfast. In the hallway, he looked around suspiciously, checking all the air ducts and corners of the ceiling. "Daniel, so help me, if you heard that you'd better keep it to yourself."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Jack let himself into the gym, dressed in grey sweatpants, a black t-shirt, and his combat boots. Hey, they were steel-toed. He wasn't about to put himself in the position of having to explain broken or bruised toes to Fraiser.

Jonas was already there, looking through a handful of CDs. The area where the sparring mats were usually spread out was completely open, the mats folded up against the wall. "Hi, Colonel O'Neill. Thanks again for doing this."

"Yeah. Let's get this over with, huh?"

"I wasn't sure what kind of music..." Jonas started, handing the CDs over to Jack.

He started going through them and glanced at Jonas. "So there's no music or dancing on your planet?" he asked.

"No, there is, but... not like here. Major Carter and Dr. Fraiser both brought me a bunch of DVDs to watch, you know, after I'd read and seen everything in the base library, and... well, in all the ones I saw that had dancing, none of them were remotely like what we have on Kelowna."

"What movies did you watch?" Jack asked curiously.

"Well, my favorite was one called, 'Dirty Dancing.' Have you seen it?"

"Yes," Jack said grimly, making a mental note to find out which one of the two women had given that to Jonas and think of something horrible to do to them in return. "But... that kind of dancing is really... outdated now," he told Jonas. "So don't be expecting me to be lifting you up over my head or anything."

"Yes, sir."

"Okay, I guess this one will work." He reluctantly put the 'When Harry Met Sally' soundtrack into the stereo and pressed play as though he were triggering a bomb to detonate in his face.

"All right, um... I'll put my hands here... you put yours there... normally you might want to stand a little bit closer, but this is close enough for us. This way you can see what our feet are doing better."

"Okay."

"Okay, this isn't really that hard. Just... follow my lead."

"What?"

"Look, I'm going to step forward with my left foot, so you step backwards with your right foot. Get it?"

"Okay, yeah, that makes sense."

"Right. Let's just try it."

Jack took Jonas through several clumsy box steps, each one getting slightly better. He kept glancing around nervously, as though he still expected Teal'c and Carter, and possibly Fraiser and even Hammond, to burst in on them at any moment, screaming "Gotcha!"

"Colonel O'Neill?"

"What! Sorry, Jonas... what?"

"I was just asking if it matters which way you're facing...like right now I'm following your lead, right? So will Lieutenant Rush be standing where you are or where I am?"

"Oh! Well, usually it's the man who leads, but I thought it would be easier for me to show you like this first. After you get the hang of it we can try switching."

"This is going to take a while, isn't it?" Jonas asked.

"Nah, you're a fast learner..." Jack started. He grimaced as Jonas stepped forwards instead of backwards and stood on his foot. It didn't really hurt, because he was wearing his combat boots, but it did contradict what he had just said. "Okay, yeah, it might take a while."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

As much as Jack hated to admit it, it wasn't so bad teaching Jonas to dance. He still would never want anyone else to find out about it, of course, but Jonas was so appreciative of it, and so darn positive all the time, it was hard not to be a little bit flattered by his constant compliments and thank yous.

For the next couple of weeks (while they were on Earth, at least,) they snuck into the gym for about two hours every night. Jonas _was _a fast learner, there was no doubt about that, but that was more... a mental thing. Body-movement wise, he was slightly worse than Daniel, who had really only started to be quite a good soldier after about five years of training and heavy combat situations. So Jack did have his work cut out for him.

Nevertheless, Jonas was making steady progress. He could do the foxtrot now, and Jack had even taught him a few basic meringue and cha cha steps. Jonas wanted to learn a little bit of everything, but so far Jack hadn't dared try to teach him any waltzes or tangoes. And he was plain afraid to try the jitterbug – Jonas would probably break his back.

Jack idly wondered one night, as he cha-cha-ed around the gym with Jonas, who was still counting under his breath, what his ex-wife would think if she could see how he was using all those dance classes she had made him take with her for their wedding. He highly doubted Sarah had ever envisioned him spending the wee small hours of his mornings dancing round weight-lifting equipment with an alien.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"Hey, Teal'c," Sam said as she sat down opposite Teal'c with her breakfast tray.

"Good morning, Major Carter. Did you sleep well?"

"I did, thank you. Teal'c, I was wondering... have you noticed anything... strange... about the Colonel and Jonas lately?"

"To what are you referring?"

"Well... I don't know. The Colonel seems really tired, but Jonas seems even... perkier... than ever. And Jonas used to kind of... well, follow me around a lot. On the base. Asking questions about everything. He still does it, but not as much."

"Perhaps he is just running out of things to ask you. He has been here for some time now."

"True..." She stopped talking as their CO joined them, sitting down across from her, next to Teal'c.

"Morning, kids."

"Greetings, O'Neill."

"Hi, sir..." Sam watched as he poured his milk into his Froot Loops and asked, "Colonel, are you feeling okay?"

"Sure, why?"

"No reason, we just thought you might be looking kind of... tired... lately. Sir," she said carefully.

He looked up at her quickly, but put on a blank face almost immediately. "Nope. Slept like a baby last night, Carter. _You, _on the other hand, were still in your lab at three in the morning, according to the security guard I spoke to this morning."

He really only did it to change the subject, and it worked. Looking sheepish, she mumbled something about being in the middle of some diagnostic program or other, and turned her attention back to her breakfast.

Jonas joined them, with his breakfast tray almost as full as Teal'c's. He sat down next to Sam and smiled at everyone as they all greeted him.

"Jonas Quinn, are you still prepared to watch the original 'Star Wars' trilogy in my quarters tonight?" Teal'c asked.

"Uh... actually... Teal'c, would it be okay if we did that another night? I'm kind of... tired."

"As you wish," Teal'c said, but Sam could tell he was disappointed. The big guy did love his Star Wars. And it wasn't like Jonas to pass up... well, anything. Especially anything new.

She looked back and forth between Jonas and Colonel O'Neill carefully. By the time breakfast was over, her CO had consumed more coffee than she had. The only person who ever did that was Daniel. He caught her scrutinizing him and she quickly looked back down at her tray, pushing a few remaining eggs around with her spoon for something to do.

A few minutes later, he excused himself, citing 'lots of paperwork,' as his excuse. Sam looked at Teal'c automatically when he said that. Teal'c, too, was now looking suspicious, his eyebrow raised minutely.

"Jonas, you don't seem very tired," Sam started, determined to try to get information out of him. "If anything, you've seemed even more energetic than usual lately."

"Really? Hmm. Maybe I'm more energetic during the day because I'm getting more sleep at night," he suggested.

"It's too bad that you're too tired to watch Star Wars tonight. I was going to join you guys... I brought popcorn and everything."

"Popcorn?"

"Yup. Something new for you to try." Jonas loved to try new food. This was a bit risky - if he took her up on it she'd have to run out at lunch and buy some popcorn, or convince some Airman to do it for her. Sam gave Teal'c a look and he took the hint.

"Popcorn is a most enjoyable snack food, Jonas Quinn. The Tau'ri seem to think it goes particularly well with feature films."

"That sounds... great. Really. But I... I can't," he said quickly, getting up with his tray even though he clearly hadn't finished eating yet. "Sorry, I've... got a lot of work to do this morning."

He hurried out of the commissary. After watching him go, Sam turned to Teal'c. "Something is definitely up."

"I concur, Major Carter. I have never known Jonas Quinn to leave food on his plate."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"No, Jonas, quarter turn at_ 9:00_, not 11!" Jack corrected.

"Sorry, sorry. This one is really hard."

"You're doing fine," Jack encouraged, patting him on the shoulder, since his hand was there anyway. "Hey, do you think Carter and Teal'c are getting suspicious?"

"Can't talk, counting," Jonas said in between counting and looking at his feet.

Jack rolled his eyes.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Sam was stretched out on her stomach with a pillow, on the floor of Teal'c's quarters. She had felt bad that Jonas 'stood him up' for their Star Wars date, so she was watching it with him instead. She sat up as 'A New Hope' ended and turned to Teal'c, who didn't allow talking during the films unless it was Star Wars-related.

"Teal'c, let's go see if the Colonel and Jonas are in their quarters or not. Just to see."

"Very well, Major Carter," Teal'c agreed.

They checked on Jonas first, as his quarters were across the hall from Teal'c's. He didn't answer the door.

"Perhaps he is sleeping," Teal'c suggested.

"I would think he'd wake up..." Sam said, knocking once more. No response. "Let's go try Colonel O'Neill."

He wasn't there either. "Perhaps O'Neill has simply gone home for the night," Teal'c suggested.

"We've got a 7 am briefing though, that wouldn't be like the Colonel," Sam muttered. "Let's go check the security room."

Teal'c followed her, amused. He personally was not very interested in where either O'Neill or Jonas Quinn was at this hour of the night. But it was clearly an intriguing mystery to Major Carter, so he went along nevertheless.

"Hi guys," Sam said as she and Teal'c let themselves into the overnight security guard's room. The Airmen, a lieutenant and sergeant, stood to attention immediately. "At ease. I just had a question for you..."

"What is it, Major?" Sergeant Jones asked.

"Have you by any chance noticed Jonas Quinn or Colonel O'Neill... doing anything at night lately? Out of the ordinary?"

"Actually, we have," Lieutenant Byers said quickly.

"Really?" Sam asked, trying to sound casual and professional. "What have you noticed?"

"Well, nearly every night for the past couple of weeks they've been hitting the gym around one or two in the morning, for a couple of hours. As you know, non-essential areas like that are only monitored constantly in the hallways. I can pull up the camera in the gym if you'd like, ma'am."

"No, thank you Lieutenant," she said quickly. "That won't be necessary."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Have a good night."

"Yes, ma'am," they both repeated. She and Teal'c left.

Once in the hall, Teal'c said, "Most likely O'Neill is doing further training with Jonas Quinn."

"Most likely," Sam repeated absently. "Although... Teal'c, wouldn't you think if Jonas wanted more training he'd ask one of us? I mean, I'd assume he'd come to you first, but if he wanted Air Force techniques... wouldn't you think he would ask me? I mean, I've already taught him lots of things..."

"Perhaps he asked O'Neill as an opportunity to 'bond' with him."

"Maybe," Sam said doubtfully. "But can you really see Colonel O'Neill giving up sleep to teach Jonas something he could just as easily order me to do?"

"Good point, Major Carter. Are you suggesting we 'drop in' on them?"

"Yes, I am, Teal'c. Let's go."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Jack and Jonas were concentrating so hard on the complicated open flair they were trying to do that between that and the music they didn't notice Sam and Teal'c slip quietly into the mostly darkened gym.

Sam and Teal'c, whatever they had been expecting to find, had most certainly not expected to find their CO and newest alien friend doing the tango. Sam watched them in shocked silence; clearly they had been practicing this for some time.

Teal'c said quietly, "This is most disturbing."

Sam shushed him and they waited until the song ended, then burst into loud applause.

Jack and Jonas froze and looked over at their two teammates, who were clapping loudly for them. Jonas grinned and took a bow. Jack groaned and hit him lightly in the back of the head as Sam and Teal'c came over, _both _of them grinning from ear to ear.

"O'Neill, you never offered me such instruction when I came to your planet," Teal'c said, pretending to be offended.

"Oh shut up, T," Jack muttered, his cheeks turning pink. "This isn't what it looks like. See, Jonas here has a crush on Lieutenant Rush and..."

"You _still _haven't asked her out?" Sam asked Jonas incredulously. "Geez, Jonas, quit being such a..."

"You see?" Jonas demanded, pointing at Sam but looking at Jack, who nodded.

"I don't blame you, Jonas," Jack said, patting the man on the back sympathetically and mock-glaring at his 2IC. "He was forced to come to me after your unhelpful attitude towards his relationship with our dear Lieutenant Rush, Carter. So technically, this is all your fault."

Sam rolled her eyes. "You don't even know who Lieutenant Rush _is, _Colonel."

"Sure, she works in the infirmary. She's the one Jonas likes... about this tall, brown hair..."

"Blonde," Jonas, Sam, and Teal'c all corrected.

"Right," Jack said. "Anyway. Jonas here needed someone to teach him how to dance, and that's all there is to it. And should you happen to mention this to your little friend with the needles, Carter..." he started.

"Yes, sir." Suddenly, she started laughing, and he doubted even a direct order would have been enough to get her to stop. Even Teal'c joined in.

Jack glared at Teal'c. _"This _you find funny, but you sit through 'Austin Powers' without cracking a smile?" he demanded.

"Um, Colonel, maybe now that Major Carter is here..." Jonas suggested when the laughter had died down.

"Oh, good idea, Jonas. Carter, come over here and let Jonas dip you."

"Sir?"

"Come on, we tried it once and I almost ended up in traction. And Jonas is finally getting good enough to dance with a woman, so come on."

Sam sighed and joined them on the 'dance floor.' Jack put his hands on her shoulders from behind and wheeled her into position facing Jonas. "Now, Jonas, watch her toes because she doesn't have boots on," Jack admonished, patting Sam's shoulder and stepping away, going over to the stereo to start the CD again.

Jonas smiled sheepishly at her and put a hand on her shoulder awkwardly.

"Jonas! You're leading now, remember?" Jack corrected.

"Oh, right! Sorry, Major Carter..." He moved his hands and looked over at Jack with an 'Is this right?' look on his face. Jack gave him a thumbs up and pressed Play.

"Good grief," Sam muttered as the music started.

She felt very self-conscious about dancing round the gym with her CO and Teal'c watching every move she and Jonas made, but quickly realized that they were probably all paying much more attention to Jonas, who actually wasn't doing all that badly, after a bit of a rocky adjustment to leading rather than following. He only stood on her foot once.

"O'Neill, it would appear you are a most successful dance instructor," Teal'c commented.

Sam snorted, and called, "Yes, sir, are you planning a second career after you retire?"

Unfortunately, the remark was paid back not by her CO's sarcastic response (and she knew he probably had one,) but by the fact that at that moment, Jonas tried to dip her. Somehow in the process she slipped right out of his arms and landed hard, on her bum, on the concrete floor of the gym.

"Ouch," she muttered among Jonas's vehement apologies.

Jack hooked his arms under hers and pulled her up to her feet from behind, brushing her off. "She's okay, aren't you, Carter?"

"Y-yes."

"That was all right, Jonas, good try, but this time try hanging onto her, okay?"

"I'm sorry, Colonel, I don't know what happened!" Jonas apologized again.

"It's okay, it just takes practice. Try again. Back on the horse and all that..." Sam shot him a glare over her shoulder. "Sorry, Carter."

"O'Neill, maybe we should spread out the sparring mats," Teal'c suggested.

"Nah, those'll just trip them up. Come on, Jonas..."

He looked scared now, and was reluctant even to touch Sam again.

"Perhaps you should show him the proper way to dip Major Carter, O'Neill," Teal'c suggested helpfully. "You have much more experience in the matter, after all," he added innocently.

Jack looked at Teal'c sharply. The carefully blank look on the man's face told him that yes, as a matter of fact, Teal'c _was _referring to the time-loop 'incident.'

"That would be really helpful, Colonel O'Neill," Jonas agreed, stepping out of the way and ushering Jack into place in front of Sam. He started the CD again before either of them could object further. They had no choice but to roll their eyes and start dancing.

To make it less awkward (for herself mainly,) Sam started talking while they danced. "So, this is what you guys have been up to. I never would have guessed..."

"Yeah, well... when we started a couple of weeks ago, you were busy, and Jonas didn't want to bother you."

"Lucky me. He's okay now, but he must have been scary two weeks ago."

"Yeah. He showed me the Kelownan version of dancing one night... I'm still having nightmares about it."

She laughed. "What did Teal'c mean before?"

"What? Oh, I guess just that I have more experience dancing than Jonas does."

"Hmm." She knew that wasn't it, based on the way he had looked at Teal'c when he had first spoken, and the way he was avoiding looking at her now.

"This is all your fault anyway, for exposing his impressionable young mind to movies like 'Dirty Dancing,'" Jack accused, dipping her and freezing, turning his attention to Jonas. "See? This is the part where you _don't _drop her on the floor."

"Got it," Jonas said.

"Jonas loved that movie," Sam said as he brought her upright again.

"Exactly."

"Well, Janet's the one who brought 'Footloose,'" Sam defended herself.

Jack groaned. "Great. You know, between the two of you, and Teal'c showing him every sci-fi movie ever made, it's no wonder the poor boy came running to me."

Jonas called, "Colonel O'Neill, since Major Carter's here can you show me that thing from Pulp Fiction?"

Jack looked at Sam sheepishly. She raised an eyebrow, Teal'c-style. "Yeah, we're the only bad influences on him. How much of that movie did you have to explain to him?"

"Too much of it," Jack muttered, dipping her once more at a normal speed as the song ended, so Jonas could see what it was supposed to look like.

"There. See? Nobody falls down at the end. Now, get over here and try it," he called to Jonas. He glanced back at Sam and said, "You're a good dancer, Major. I don't remember that being in your file."

He joined Teal'c by the CD player before she could retort that it wasn't in his file either. Teal'c started the CD again and Jonas and Sam started dancing. This time, Jack circled around them, making suggestions to Jonas and hovering in case Jonas dropped his 2IC again. Luckily, this time, he got it much better. It was still rather awkward, but at least nobody got hurt.

A few more tries and Jonas had improved remarkably. "It's a lot easier dancing with you," Jonas commented, flashing Sam a big, toothy smile. "But Colonel O'Neill is a great teacher. He's been so patient."

"There, Jonas, I think you've got it," Jack said as the song ended again.

"Great! Thanks everybody, I really appreciate it."

"Sure," Sam said.

Jack started to gather up the CDs and everything when Jonas said, "Um, Colonel O'Neill? Maybe since Major Carter's here and all... well... could we try swing dancing?"

Jack took a deep breath. He knew that Jonas really, really wanted to learn to swing dance, but it wasn't exactly an easy thing for two men to do together. "Yeah, okay. If Carter's up for it." He turned to look at her.

She shrugged. "Why not?"

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

General Hammond made his early-morning trip to the overnight security boys, to ensure that nothing had happened during the night. He stopped outside the open door to their small room. It was packed full of people, laughing and joking loudly. Some of them even had food and drinks in their hands.

He pushed his way through them. Many were so interested in whatever they were looking at, George quickly ascertained that it was something on the monitors, that they didn't even stand to attention when they saw him.

"What's going on in here?" he finally demanded.

The room grew instantly silent. Finally, Sergeant Jones said, "Sorry, General, sir. We were just... monitoring the gym."

"And what, may I ask, is in the gym that is so entertaining?"

"SG-1," the entire room chorused.

Hammond pushed his way over to one of the monitors and froze. His flagship team was... doing the jitterbug?

"They're teaching Jonas, sir," Lieutenant Byers explained, turning the audio up again.

Tinny music filtered in, as well as Jack O'Neill exclaiming, "NO, Jonas! Not like that, move!"

Hammond watched as Jonas Quinn and O'Neill traded places, and O'Neill and Carter continued dancing. "There, see? Try it with Teal'c."

"Oh good Lord," Hammond said under his breath as his two resident aliens began dancing.

"They finally got Teal'c to help out about an hour ago... and he's better than all of them, for some reason," Jones supplied.

"Yes, sir, in fact, he and Major Carter would be pretty hard to beat in a competition," someone else supplied.

"They're all just... in there dancing with each other?"

"Oh yes, sir. See, at first it was just Colonel O'Neill and Jonas..."

Hammond tuned out the barrage of explanations and comments that started pouring out, watching his team on the little monitor. "My life is so weird," he muttered finally as SG1 suddenly realized it was after five o'clock and hurriedly started packing up their things to leave the gym before anyone showed up for an early morning workout. "All right, people, let's break this up - everyone back to work."

As soon as the room emptied, Hammond turned to the boys still in their chairs. "When they're finished, I want three copies of that tape, plus the original," he ordered.

"Yes, sir," they both said. Hammond nodded and left them alone, shaking his head.

If it wasn't one thing with SG1, it was another... swing dancing in the gym! The President was going to love this one! And Jacob and Selmak would get a big kick out of it too... he made a note to check if the Tok'ra _had _a VCR before sending it to him. Maybe he should wait until Jake dropped by... Thor on the other hand... Thor would want to see this ASAP.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

SG-1 was nervous as they waited for General Hammond to arrive for their morning briefing. They were all exhausted after not getting any sleep and dancing all night long, and worried that Hammond would notice, demand to be filled in, and then let them all have it. Perhaps it was a bit paranoid, but Hammond always knew everything that was happening on his base.

"You know, it's not like we did anything _wrong,_" Jack pointed out.

"That's true, sir, but I doubt the Air Force has ever seen the need to make a rule about dancing on base..." Sam supplied. "It probably falls under unprofessional conduct though."

"Very helpful, Carter, thank you," Jack said sarcastically.

"I'm sure General Hammond will understand," Jonas said, feeling bad that he was responsible for the potential embarrassment of the whole team, especially after Colonel O'Neill had been so patient with him.

Hammond entered and gave them his usual greeting. Jack spent the entire meeting that followed completely tuning out everything Hammond and Carter said, trying to figure out if Hammond knew what was going on or not. The man had a poker face like nobody Jack had ever known. Even better than Teal'c, when he wanted to use it.

Just as Jack had decided that Hammond probably hadn't found out about the incident yet, he realized they had been dismissed. The rest of his team was leaving as quickly as they could without drawing too much attention to themselves. Jack got up quickly to follow them. He had just reached Carter at the door when Hammond said, "Oh, Colonel, Major, one more thing."

"Yes, sir?" they both asked, turning back to face the General.

"You leave bright and early tomorrow morning," he deadpanned. "Make sure you wake me up before you go-go."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Sam yelped as Janet jerked her by the elbow into her office and slammed the door shut. "What's going on, Janet?" Sam demanded, concealing a yawn.

"Tired?" Janet asked suggestively.

"Yeah... why? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Rough night?" Janet pressed.

"Kind of... I didn't get much sleep."

"I know that. The entire base knows that, as a matter of fact."

"What?" Sam asked, a hint of alarm creeping into her voice.

"Sam, take a look at what's been circling the base all day..." Janet opened the file she had been e-mailed that morning and waited.

Sam's eyes widened. "Oh God!" She picked up Janet's phone and called Jonas, telling him to get Teal'c and the Colonel and come to the infirmary ASAP.

When the rest of SG1 arrived, they showed them the footage and Janet explained how it had come into her possession. "Ohfercryinoutloud," Jack groaned. "You know, you try to do a favor for somebody and..."

"I'm really sorry, Colonel," Jonas apologized immediately.

"Ma'am, here's the blood-work from SG5 you requested," a nurse said, entering the crowded office quickly and handing her a stack of files.

"Thank you, Lieutenant Rush," Janet said.

Jack's eyes widened and he looked at Jonas, who looked scared suddenly and shook his head, mouthing, "No!"

Jack's eyes were twinkling dangerously. "Lieutenant Rush, nice to see you!" he said loudly.

The nurse looked at him, looking mildly scared. She looked round at everyone in the crowded room, her eyes settling on the video still playing in the background for a few seconds too long. Jack could tell she had already seen it. Hey, he hadn't done all this for nothing...

"So, I see you've seen our instructional video," he commented.

"Y...yes, sir, I've seen it..."

"Do you like to dance, Rush?"

"I guess, sir, sure, I mean..." It was hard to say who looked more scared, Lieutenant Rush or Jonas.

"Good, that's good, because Jonas here... OW! Dammit, Carter!" She had poked him in the ribs rather hard.

"Sorry, sir," she said automatically, her tone indicating that was slightly less than actually true.

"Well, I'm not! I didn't do all that dancing for nothing! Look, Lieutenant, Jonas was looking for someone to go dancing with this Saturday night, and he was hoping you're available," Jack said quickly.

"Oh!" Lieutenant Rush blushed and looked at Jonas, who was looking beyond terrified but managed to give her a weak smile nonetheless. "Well I... I mean... sure. That would be nice."

"Great!" Jack said quickly. "He'll meet you on the surface at eight, he's really looking forward to it."

She smiled sheepishly at Jonas and said, "Me too," before hurrying away.

Everyone stared at Jack for several seconds after she had gone. Then Jonas suddenly launched himself at Jack, hugging him tightly. "Thanks, Colonel O'Neill!"

Jack stood stock-still for several moments and finally patted Jonas awkwardly on the back. "Sure. Glad I could help you out there, Jonas..."

When several more moments passed and Jonas still hadn't let go of him, Jack turned to Sam. "Carter, get him off me," he ordered.

"Come on, Jonas, let's go figure out what you're going to wear," Sam said gently, putting a hand on his arm.

She led Jonas away, leaving Jack alone with Teal'c and Fraiser, who were both looking at him with expressions of disbelief on their faces. "What, the kid needed some help," Jack said defensively. He crossed his arms and said, "Come on, T. Let's go eat."

Teal'c decided to have a little fun of his own. "As you wish, O'Neill. Speaking of food, I was wondering... would you be willing to give me cooking instructions?"

As they left Dr. Fraiser in giggles, Jack asked, "Was that a joke?"

"Perhaps."

Jack groaned. "None of this was in the job description."


	5. Minesweeper

Title: Compromising Positions: Minesweeper

Author: Kate McCaye

Rating: K+

Category: General/Humor

Summary: Hammond becomes concerned about some rumors circling the base when Jack and Sam are on downtime.

A/N: I wanted to embarrass General Hammond a bit, as he always seems to be getting the best of Jack and Sam in these stories. But I couldn't really leave them alone either.

Minesweeper

Colonel Jack O'Neill was bored. SG1 was through one week of a month-long period of light on-base duty because Daniel had fallen off a dais of some sort on a routine archaeological expedition with SG11. So, barring any unforeseen galactic emergencies, SG1 was doomed to three more weeks of earthly boredom.

Teal'c was doing training with some of the new recruits. Jack had seen three of them limping to the commissary and felt their pain. Daniel was actually _happy _about his injury, apart from the fact that the cast on his leg was hot, itchy, and starting to smell, because it gave him the opportunity to stay holed up in his lab with all kinds of geeky old stuff to translate. And Carter always had something interesting in her lab to play with. Although her definition of 'play' was radically different from Jack's.

He looked around his office but nothing grabbed his attention. So, he decided to go bug Carter, which was always lots of fun. He made his way to her lab, passing Siler and another Sergeant along the way. Apparently Siler had cut his hand while changing a light bulb.

"I thought light bulbs weren't your job, Siler," Jack commented as the other Sergeant helped the bleeding Siler to the infirmary.

"They aren't, sir," Siler called back down the hall.

Chuckling about Siler, who managed to injure himself almost as often as Daniel, which was saying something in and of itself but was especially remarkable considering that all of Siler's injuries were sustained on base, Jack entered Carter's lab and looked around, puzzled. It was empty. Some alien device was sitting on her lab table partially gutted, but she wasn't around.

It looked like she was in the middle of a project, as all of her blinky-light devices were still on, so he decided to wait for a few minutes in case she came back. He glanced at the stuff on the table and resisted the urge to pick up a coiled wire thing and see if it just looked like a Slinky or could be played with like one.

Sitting down in her chair, he rolled over to her computer and laughed out loud. "Caught in the act," he said quietly. She had been playing Minesweeper. He scooted up to her desk and started playing.

Years of procrastinating while writing up reports and reading memos had made him very good at this game. He balled his fists and punched the air, hissing, "Yes!" when he beat her high score. The bar hadn't been set very high, which was a bit disappointing at first, although Jack quickly realized that only indicated that Carter spent far less time goofing off at work than he did.

Suddenly he got an idea. Glancing at the open door, he quickly got back to work, now hoping his 2IC _didn't _come back soon.

"Mwahahaha," he laughed evilly to the empty room once he had succeeded in replacing all of her high scores on each difficulty level. He glanced around the room to make sure he hadn't displaced anything and snuck away, wondering how long it would take her to discover what he had done, and wondering how she'd react.

vvvvvvvvvvv

That was how it all began. Carter quickly discovered he had been on her computer and messed with her scores. Impressed and irritated at the same time, she decided to take up the challenge. She got Daniel to tell Jack he needed to talk to him about something, and spent an hour locked in her CO's office beating the high scores on _his _computer while Daniel bored him with details of a tablet found by SG20.

The next morning when she got into her lab, her scores had all been replaced again and there was a post-it on her monitor that said, 'Bring it on.'

And so a Minesweeper war was begun between Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill. It was conducted in secret for several days, until she happened to be in her lab one night when he showed up to play on her computer.

He grinned and said, "Hi."

She looked up from the alien device on her lab table and smiled. "Hi."

"I was just… er…" She raised an eyebrow and he shrugged, deciding not to even bother making up a lame excuse for sneaking into her lab in the middle of the night. "All right. You know what I was doing."

"Go right ahead, sir, don't mind me."

"Really?" he asked, surprised. She shrugged absently, her attention already back on the device she was working with. "It's getting harder and taking longer to beat your scores every day," he commented as he scooted up to her computer.

She made a non-committal noise in response and he realized he had even less of her attention than usual, so he just started playing.

vvvvvvvvvvvv

General George Hammond was more aware of what went on at his base than anybody else, even Sergeant Harriman. Hardly a bet or rumor went around that he didn't know about. He even had a part in a few of them. He was smart enough not to put much stock in most of the rumors, particularly those about Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter.

He'd admit to anybody who asked (which so far had only been his buddy Jacob) that he'd been concerned at first. For a couple of years actually, he had half-expected one or both of them to request reassignment off SG1 so they could pursue a personal relationship. That hadn't happened. He admired the hell out of both of them for it and appreciated the sacrifices both of them made more than they'd ever really know.

So the rumors amused him now. He trusted them both. If it was going to happen it would have happened a long time ago. Or so he had always thought. Now, though, was quickly becoming one of those few times when he was being reluctantly forced to question his own judgment.

For the past few days he had had an especially hard time tracking Colonel O'Neill down, and when he finally managed it the report always came back that he'd been in Major Carter's lab. Now, of course that didn't mean anything. SG1 was on downtime, but the only one of them who had interpreted that as 'don't work so hard' had been O'Neill. The rest of them were as busy as ever.

He ran into them both on the elevator one day. They seemed a little more relaxed than usual, but that was the point of being on light duty in the first place and all four members of SG1 needed to relax, in Hammond's opinion. They both answered his questions happily enough, but when they got to Carter's level, both of them shoved past each other on their way out of the elevator. Hammond, curious, kept the doors open to watch their progression down the hall.

Walking quickly, they progressed to elbowing each other out of the way until they were sprinting down to Carter's lab. O'Neill practically bounced on the balls of his feet while waiting for her to unlock the lab, and each tried to elbow the other aside in an effort to enter the lab as quickly as possible, O'Neill finally winning by shoving his 2IC inside rather roughly. The lab door slammed shut so loudly that Hammond could hear it all the way down the hall.

Okay, that was definitely unusual behavior, Hammond had to admit. But it still didn't mean anything – surely if they were up to something worth hiding they would have been a little more discreet in front of him.

So it also didn't bother him when he ran into O'Neill in the commissary and the man had a tray loaded down with his usual choices plus salad, a bowl of fruit, and blue jell-o, and disappeared with it quickly. O'Neill often took lunch to Jackson and Carter when they were working in their labs. They'd forget to eat otherwise.

He became mildly concerned after watching the two of them during a briefing. They'd spent the entire time giving each other these challenging looks across the conference room table, both of them clearly trying very hard not to smile. Then as soon as Hammond had dismissed them from the briefing they had both practically leapt out of their chairs and dashed right out of the briefing room.

Luckily, Dr. Jackson was still moving slower than usual with his bum leg. "Dr. Jackson, have you noticed anything different about Major Carter or Colonel O'Neill recently?" Hammond asked.

Jackson, halfway to the door, turned in surprise. "No, sir. But then again, I've been really busy, I've spent a lot of time by myself, working, so… but no. Why, is there a problem?"

"No, Dr. Jackson. Carry on."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"It's my turn, come on," Jack said impatiently, leaning over the back of her chair and peering at the computer screen.

"Stop trying to make me mess up, that's not fair, sir!" Carter objected. "Besides, I really do need to use my computer for actual work. Maybe you should go see if Teal'c wants to get a bite to eat or something."

"All right, fine." Jack pretended to leave and abruptly grabbed the back of her chair, pulling it and her away from the computer. Carter yelped.

He spun her away from the desk and made a dive for the mouse, calling, "In five minutes."

She abandoned the chair and tried to shoulder him out of the way. They battled for control of the mouse for several seconds, both trying not to laugh, the occasional chuckle slipping out.

"Looks like you might need to take Teal'c's training seminar, Major," Jack commented as he pinned her arms behind her back and wheeled her away from the computer.

"Likewise, sir," she countered, throwing her weight to the side and twisting quickly, getting him in a headlock.

"Ahem."

They both froze and looked at each other, although they knew the noise had come from neither of them.

"Jack? Sam?"

They turned their attention to the doorway, where Daniel and Walter were standing, both with their mouths open. Carter quickly released her CO from the headlock and smoothed out her uniform nervously.

"What's going on, guys?" Daniel asked, looking back and forth between them, clearly scared they were arguing and fighting with each other.

"Nothing," they both said quickly. It sounded guilty, even to Jack. Daniel would know nothing was going on, but Walter looked mighty surprised and pleased.

"Well… I was coming to see if you were ready for lunch and Walter was… actually I don't know what Walter wanted, we ran into each other on the elevator."

"General Hammond wanted me to collect your report on your last mission, Colonel O'Neill."

"Oh… that… yeah. It's not exactly… finished." Jack glanced at Sam as he said it: he'd already told her it was done so he could play Minesweeper. "I'll have it to him by tomorrow. Morning. Or afternoon. At the latest."

"Yes, sir," Walter said. He looked like he was getting a migraine. He left without saying anything else.

"So… everything okay?" Daniel asked once the three of them were alone.

"Yeah," Sam said, nodding enthusiastically.

"Peachy," Jack added.

"I see… well… lunch?"

"Good idea, Daniel," Jack said, gesturing dramatically for his 2IC to go in front of him. "You know how cranky Carter gets when she's hungry."

"You're one to talk, sir."

vvvvvvvvvvvv

"Sergeant Harriman, you look distinctly empty-handed," Hammond said sternly as Harriman reported to him."

"Yes, sir. Colonel O'Neill is apparently not finished with his report yet. He assures me it will be completed tomorrow, sir."

"What was he doing, working on it?"

Walter hesitated, shifting on his feet slightly. "No sir. Not exactly…"

"Sergeant."

"Yes, sir. I don't know what he was doing, sir. He was in Major Carter's lab. They were very… wrestley… sir."

"What exactly does 'wrestley' mean, Sergeant?"

"I don't know, sir… I'm sure it wasn't what it looked like… but when Dr. Jackson and I found them they were um… both laughing and um… Major Carter had Colonel O'Neill in a headlock. Sir."

Hammond's eyebrows jumped. "Thank you, Sergeant. Dismissed."

"Yes, sir."

vvvvvvvvvv

Hammond headed down to Carter's lab, striding purposefully, determined to figure out what was going on with the two of them once and for all, and more than likely put a stop to it, whatever it was. Halfway down the hall, he swiveled on his feet and headed back towards the elevator, figuring they'd earned the benefit of the doubt. A girly, suspiciously playful sounding screech from the end of the corridor changed his mind once more and he turned on his heels again.

He stopped outside the closed door to the lab, thinking that was a bit odd in and of itself; usually Carter's door was always open, provided she was there and not in the middle of some dangerous experiment or other. He could hear a muffled conversation from the lab's two occupants, and pressed his ear to the door to listen more closely.

He could hear his two officers talking, but still couldn't quite make out what they were saying. He jumped away from the door as two lieutenants stepped off the elevator, not wanting to be caught standing in the hallway with his ear pressed to the door of Carter's lab.

"Sir, is there anything I can help you with?" one of the lieutenants asked.

Nosey little buggers. Hammond snapped, "No thank you son, carry on," and strode purposefully into the door next to Carter's lab, flipping on the lights and shutting the door. He looked around and rolled his eyes. He was in a supply closet, full of partially gutted computers.

On the plus side, he could hear what was going on in Carter's lab much clearer. He quickly located the reason for this: an air vent on the shared wall between the supply closet and Carter's lab, up high near the ceiling. Hammond quickly and quietly dragged a cluttered table over to the wall and climbed on top of it, now able to hear everything. He immediately wished he hadn't.

"Stop it, sir, that's not fair! Get away from me!"

"You really wanna play the 'not fair' card with me, Major?"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"You know what it means. You've already gone twice. It's my turn!"

"I can't help it if you take forever, sir…"

"I do not take forever, Carter. You're unnaturally fast. You should get Fraiser to study you or something."

Hammond felt slightly nauseous. He really hadn't thought the rumors could be true… and he really, really didn't want to be hearing what he was hearing. Jacob was like a brother to him, which had always made him feel very paternal and protective of Major Carter. There was a very real possibility he was about to be violently ill. And his feet seemed to be ignoring his attempts to move.

"Losing speed in your old age, sir? What would Daniel and Teal'c say?"

"You wouldn't dare tell them what we've been up to lately, Major. You'd be a whole lot more embarrassed about it than I would."

"No, you're probably right about that. But back to the point, sir, it's still my turn. I've got three and a half more minutes left, that's more than enough time."

Hammond stared hard at the air vent. This was starting to get more and more unbelievable… maybe he _was _missing something.

"No way, Carter. It's my turn now, I think I've been plenty patient. Move your ass."

_Then again, maybe not… _was Hammond's last thought before the table he was standing on collapsed and he crashed loudly to the ground.

He was still lying there when Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill came running into the supply closet, O'Neill leaning over him carefully while Carter kneeled next to him and touched a spot on his temple that stung badly and was obviously bleeding.

"Sir, are you all right?" Carter asked, checking his pulse while O'Neill called for Fraiser.

"I'm fine…" Hammond said, wincing as they helped him sit up. O'Neill took in the crashed table and mess of computer parts and immediately noticed the strategic location underneath the air vent. "This isn't what it looks like," Hammond mumbled before passing out.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

The next thing Hammond knew, he was in the infirmary. He spent more time there than he cared to, but usually he was the one standing at the foot of the bed getting updated by Fraiser, rather than the one lying in it hooked up to a beeping monitor. It wasn't a nice change of pace.

Fraiser and all of SG-1 were talking in quiet tones. "He's obviously got a concussion and a bunch of nasty bruises, but he'll be okay," Fraiser said.

"How many stitches did his head injury require?" Teal'c asked.

"Five," Fraiser answered.

_Great, _Hammond thought, wincing. He was going to have to fill out an incident report and everything. His eyelids still felt too heavy to open at the moment, so he didn't bother.

"What was he doing in the supply closet anyway?" Dr. Jackson asked.

"I have no idea," Carter answered, the concern evident in her voice.

"What exactly happened?" Fraiser asked.

"I don't know," Carter said.

"Yeah… one minute I was trying to get Carter to let me have my turn at Minesweeper and the next minute there was a loud crash…" O'Neill explained.

Hammond groaned loudly enough at that pronouncement that he drew all of the attention in the room.

"Sir, are you okay?" Fraiser asked immediately.

"Fine, Doctor," he answered, forcing his eyes open. He surveyed his flagship team and his CMO, all of whom looked like they'd been very worried about him. "Minesweeper?" he croaked, trying to focus his fuzzy gaze on O'Neill and Carter.

They exchanged guilty looks and Carter said, "Yes, sir. I'm sorry, I know I was on duty, but since Daniel's been injured things have been a little slow and Colonel O'Neill and I have sort of been in a Minesweeper tournament…"

Hammond groaned again and waved his hand weakly. "That's fine, Major. I'm just glad it wasn't what it sounded like." Hammond nodded off to sleep again happily.

"Umm… what is he talking about?" Colonel O'Neill asked as Janet checked Hammond's vitals once more.

Everyone shrugged. "Must be a little delirious," Daniel offered.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Daniel looked across the table at Jack and Sam, who were both sulking. There was no other word for it.

"Guys… come on, it's not that bad," he tried to placate them. "We'll be back on active duty next week, and then you won't even miss it."

"I just don't see why _we _get punished because _he _fell off a table and concussed himself," Sam muttered as she grabbed the syrup.

Jack stabbed moodily at the waffle on his plate and grumbled, "Yeah, and all my high scores… _hours_ of work lost. I can't believe he had Siler take Minesweeper off both our computers!"


	6. The Leak

Title: Compromising Positions: The Leak

Rating: K?

Pairing: S/J UST

Setting: Pre-3 (only because Carter's a Captain)

Summary: Well, it's about a leaky tent.

A/N: This is, if I remember correctly, the second SG-1 fic I ever wrote. I never posted it because it's very cliched, but I recently found it lurking on an old disk with a bunch of X-Files stories, and realized that it fit in nicely with this Compromising Positions thing I've been doing. So, here it is. If I were a bit more organized, I would have arranged these chapters in chronological order, but oh well.

The Leak

Colonel O'Neill woke with a start as he realized he was soaking wet.

"Oh, crap," he said evenly.

He was freezing. His supposedly water-proof tent was leaking, and just his luck, he had chosen to sleep under the exact spot where it was leaking. He unzipped his sleeping bag and felt around its surface. Yup, it was completely soaked through, and there was a small puddle surrounding him already. He felt around for his flashlight and turned it on, examining his surroundings.

His half of the tent was almost completely wet, but Carter's appeared to be perfectly dry, as they were on a slight incline and her side wasn't leaking. He sighed heavily as he watched the sleeping bag she was peacefully cocooned in rise and fall evenly with her breathing. It WOULD have to happen when it was his turn to share a tent with her, he thought irritably.

Shortly into their first year as SG1, he had decided that the best way for all of them to sleep was to simply rotate who shared a tent with whom. Everyone wanted to share with Teal'c, because he was completely silent. Nobody wanted Daniel, because he snored. And Jack couldn't stand sharing with Carter because he had trouble falling asleep knowing she was only a couple of feet away from him, not that he told any of them that.

Being the CO, he could have easily ordered Teal'c to share with him every time, and gotten peaceful sleep on all off-world missions. But when Carter and Daniel were put in the same tent they stayed up talking forever, sometimes all night even, and that wasn't good for either of them, especially on their riskier ops. So, to make it fair, he had finally, after much experimenting, decided just to rotate equally.

He was regretting that decision now, as he crouched over his wet sleeping bag, hugging his arms for warmth. He couldn't believe she was still asleep, with him moving around and shining his flashlight all over the place. She was supposed to be alert for crying out loud… then again, he was glad she was asleep as he peeled off his wet clothes, dried himself off with his only spare tee-shirt, and stood there shivering in his boxers, staring at her and trying to decide what to do.

If he woke her up she would be furious. Then again, if he sat there all night freezing and got himself sick, she'd still be furious AND he'd be sick. Deciding he'd rather be warm and uncomfortable than freezing and sick, he crawled over to her blissfully dry side of the tent, crouching next to her.

"Carter," he whispered, shaking her shoulder lightly.

"Mm, what?" she mumbled.

"Carter, wake up," he repeated, trying not to smile at the way she looked with her hair all messed up.

"'Swrong?" she asked sleepily, slowly opening her eyes. "We beinattacked?"

"No, it's just raining," he said. "The tent's leaking on my side, everything's soaked."

She opened her eyes wide in surprise, blinked at the sharp light from his flashlight, and sat up, rubbing her eyes. He waited impatiently as her eyes adjusted, and then she opened her eyes wider than he'd ever seen them as she saw him crouching there in his boxers, his wet hair sticking up at random angles.

"Yeah, everything got soaked, including me. And my sleeping bag," he explained.

"You look cold," she stated, her mind still sort of groggy. She had been in the middle of some good, deep sleep, after all.

"I'm freezing my ass off, Carter, are you going to let me in or not?"

"Let you in?" she repeated in surprise.

"Yeah… come on there's enough room in your sleeping bag for two, a lot more room than if I try to go share with Daniel or Teal'c. Besides, Teal'c would probably snap my neck if I asked and Daniel would never stop laughing… please? I'm freezing here, Captain." he said all this very fast, not sure why she was being so difficult.

She was so sympathetic to anybody in general, he was sure her embarrassment at the situation would be quickly laid aside.

"But sir… I, uh, I'm out of uniform," she stated plainly, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

"Huh?" he repeated, confused.

"I… don't have any pants on. Sir."

He couldn't help grinning for a second, before he said, "Why?"

"Well… it's hard to sleep in the uniforms, Colonel, and sometimes when it's a planet we've been to a lot and we know it's safe…" she trailed off, her face bright red.

"You've done this before?" he asked in shocked surprise.

"Daniel does it too," she said defensively, reaching for her pants. They were wet from the knee down. She tossed them across the tent with a frustrated noise that sounded a bit like a growl.

He rolled his eyes. "Okay, okay, so now the situation is a fraction as embarrassing for you as it is for me. Please? Come on, Carter."

He looked so cold and miserable she sighed and unzipped the sleeping bag.

"If you tell anybody about this I will kill you. Sir," she added as an afterthought as she scooted as far to one side of the sleeping bag as she could.

"I won't," he promised as he hastily climbed inside and zipped them back in. He clicked off his flashlight and squirmed around, trying to turn on his side so they'd both have more room.

"Be still," Carter objected.

"Sorry," he whispered as he finally managed to turn on his right side so that they were parallel.

He was still for a few seconds before she said, "Umm, sir?"

"What?"

"Could you move your hands?"

"Sorry," he said again, now not knowing where to put them. Suddenly, she started giggling, the ridiculousness of the situation finally hitting her. She tried to muffle it, but as they were stuck in the same sleeping bag, it didn't really help, as he could feel her shaking with silent laughter anyway.

"Stop it, Carter," he growled. She couldn't help it. "I order you to stop giggling, Captain." That just made it ten times worse.

"Sorry, sir it's just… you've got your socks on," she squeaked in between laughing.

"Well they're just about all that didn't get wet," he said defensively, but he realized how silly the situation was as well, and was glad she was laughing rather than furious. He laughed too, and for almost five minutes, neither of them could stop.

When they finally did, they both felt a lot more at ease about the whole situation, enough so that he wrapped his arms around her, which solved the situation of what to do with his hands. It was a purely practical maneuver, she told herself quietly as they scooted closer together until he was spooned completely around her and they barely took up more space than one person. It was really the only possible way they could both share the sleeping bag and hope to actually get any sleep.

It didn't stop him from hissing when her freezing bare feet pressed into his shins though. "Geez, Sam, your feet are freezing!" he exclaimed.

"Well when you got in here your whole BODY was freezing so I wouldn't complain if I were you," she countered, this time successfully suppressing her giggles. Apparently the proper-respect-for-your-superior-officers manners she had in abundance while awake and alert took a little time to kick in when she was awakened partially in the middle of the night.

"Oh I have _nothing_ to complain about," he said lightly, feeling that the mood was now light enough for a few suggestive comments.

"I can throw you out of here, you know," she threatened.

"You wouldn't do that," he said with a grin she couldn't see.

"What makes you so confident in that assessment? _Sir?_"

"First of all, because no matter how hard you try sometimes, you can't be that mean. Second of all, _I _now know that the strictly rule-abiding Captain Carter routinely breaks rules off-world. Not only breaks rules, but breaks the rule about not sleeping in your underwear and a t-shirt. And I'm sure the guys at the SGC would be extremely interested to know that certain tidbit of information…"

"And I'm sure they'd love to know how you found that out as well, Colonel," she replied innocently. "I think you'd be getting in a lot more trouble for this than I would."

"Yeah, you're probably right," he agreed. "Okay. I order you to go back to sleep."

"Finally!"

He chuckled and brushed some of her hair out of his face. He couldn't believe it. She actually DID go right back to sleep. Either that or she was the best faker in the world. She was completely relaxed, her breathing was slow and even… no, she was definitely asleep. He for one wasn't sure he would ever be able to sleep in the same tent with her again.

It had been bad enough getting up the courage to get in there with her when he'd thought she was fully dressed. Now he knew that she repeatedly, which meant most likely more than once while in the same tent with HIM, slept in her underwear. Her legs were driving him absolutely crazy. He hadn't even glimpsed them when she'd let him into the sleeping bag but that hardly mattered, as they were now pressed right up against his bare, hairy ones and he could feel just how soft and smooth they were.

_This is wrong on SO many levels_, he thought with a groan as she snuggled even closer to him in her sleep. He slid his hand up to her hair to move it out of his face again, rolling his eyes as he realized it was just as soft as he'd always imagined it to be. How could she be so… so _Carter _and so _soft _all at the same time. It wasn't fair. He took a deep breath and returned his hand to its old spot. She was pressed so tightly against his chest he could feel every length of every slow, deep breath she was taking. Maybe if he just focused on that, and tried to copy it…

vvvvv

"Teal'c? Why isn't Jack up, banging around the camp yelling like he normally is?" Daniel asked as he put his glasses on, realizing what was missing from the usual off-world morning routine.

"I do not know, DanielJackson. Perhaps he overslept. I must relieve myself."

"Lovely," Daniel said to no one after Teal'c had gone. He crawled out of their tent and looked around at the now muddy campsight. "Great," he muttered.

Sam wasn't in her usual morning spot either, curled up in a ball next to the coffee. Slightly alarmed at their absence, he poked his head into their tent and froze as he saw Jack's side completely empty and both of them in her sleeping bag. They really couldn't have been any closer to each other, either. He stared at them in stunned silence.

He knew how they felt about each other, of course. You'd have to be an idiot to be around them for any length of time and NOT know. But he also knew how much their jobs meant to both of them… they would NEVER… but then he noticed Jack's clothes and his eyes widened even more.

"Daniel Jackson, are they all right?" Teal'c asked suddenly, poking his head in the tent next to Daniel's.

"Ah, apparently," Daniel said quietly.

Something in Teal'c's voice made Jack wake up instantly. As his brain was instantly overloaded with senses of Sam, he quickly remembered their situation. But Teal'c… groaning as he realized he had overslept, he twisted around until he saw Teal'c AND Daniel, both looking at him in amusement.

"Morning, Jack. Whatcha doin?" Daniel asked in his most annoying voice, with the biggest grin Jack had ever seen on his face.

"It's not what it looks like," Jack said quickly, sitting up and trying to keep the sleeping bag somewhat around him.

It worked, kind of, but it slipped down enough to where they could tell he didn't have a shirt on.

"That's what people always say when it's _exactly _what it looks like," Daniel continued.

"Well, it's NOT," Jack said, getting grumpy now. Daniel was NEVER going to let this one go. Never.

"It looks to me like you and Sam are sleepin' in the same bag naked," Daniel said innocently, turning to Teal'c with a grin. "That what it looks like to you, Teal'c?"

"Indeed," Teal'c replied.

Jack rolled his eyes. "Well, you're wrong. My sleeping bag got wet and…"

Their attention was diverted to Sam as she woke up groggily, realized he was talking to someone, realized who that must be, and sat up as well, blushing furiously and pushing her hair out of her face.

"This isn't what it looks like," she said hastily.

"That's what we've heard," Daniel said with a grin.

"Something about Jack wetting his sleeping bag…"

"I didn't wet it Spacemonkey, it was RAINING, remember? The damn tent leaked and soaked me. I was… in danger of hypothermia."

Even he didn't buy that one.

"Right," Daniel said sarcastically. "Well, ah… we're a little behind schedule so I think Teal'c and I will just go… start the coffee."

"Good idea," O'Neill said, waving them both away.

As soon as they were gone, Carter buried her face in her hands. "He's NEVER going to let us live this down is he?" she asked rhetorically.

"At least he didn't find out you don't have any pants on," Jack said reasonably, getting out of the bag and going over to his own, still rather damp pants, and pulling them on with great distaste.

"Yeah, that's something," she agreed, pulling her pants into the bag with her to put them on discreetly.

He had to say _something _to her. She was embarrassed and upset, and all she'd done was be nice to him. But there were so many things he couldn't say…

"I'll take care of Daniel. I've got a few things on him I've been holding in reserve… if that doesn't work there's always the threat of physical violence," he said as they both pulled on their shoes.

"Yeah, I've got a couple of things on him too." He watched her getting the rest of her stuff on, trying to think of something vague enough but that might make her feel a little better… finally, he said, "Well, I'm guessing the probability of this situation repeating itself is… not high, I'm sure you could figure out the exact numbers… but that was the best I've slept in years, Sam. In the field or off."

She smiled at the sincerity in his eyes and said quietly, "Me too, sir."


	7. A Very Cute Problem

Setting: Season 8

Rating: K

Summary: Rodent infestation.

A/N: This one's all due to the stepson. He noticed the rodent cage in Felger's office in 'Avenger 2.0' and I immediately started trying to work it into a story in my head. His smallest pet helped finish off the job.

A Very Cute Problem

"Sir, I think there might be something wrong with Felger," Carter said, leaning forward and speaking quietly so that they wouldn't be overheard.

"Carter, I've been telling you that since we met the guy," General O'Neill replied, taking a large bite of oatmeal.

Daniel glanced over at a nearby table, where Felger was seated with his lab assistant Chloe and another scientist, Simon Coombs. "I think Sam's right," Daniel said. "When was the last time any of us have been in the same room with him for more than five minutes without him coming over to talk to us."

"More like drive us crazy," O'Neill corrected.

"O'Neill is correct," Teal'c put in. "However, I concur with Colonel Carter and Daniel Jackson as well. He seems most disturbed by something."

All four of them glanced over at the table Jack had privately labeled the 'geek section' years ago.

Felger, who had been SG-1's biggest fan for years, finally noticed them. His eyes were red-rimmed and he looked even more pale than usual. Carter smiled awkwardly and looked away quickly, knowing they had all been caught staring at him.

Jack shoved another large spoonful of oatmeal into his mouth and mumbled, "Nnbudy cash Smmps's lasnigh?"

"What?" Daniel asked.

"Anybody catch the Simpson's last night?" he repeated after swallowing.

Teal'c ignored him and called, "Greetings, Dr. Felger," and held up his hand with his fingers splayed in a 'V,' knowing Felger to be a fellow fan of 'Star Trek.'

Jay Felger promptly burst into tears and ran out of the commissary wailing, "SSSPPPPPOCKKKK!"

Chloe quickly hurried after him, leaving Coombs to smile sheepishly at SG-1 and General O'Neill. "Spock died," he explained.

"What?" Sam and Daniel asked, puzzled.

"Spock… he was dead when we got into the lab this morning."

"What?" Jack repeated, hating to admit it but finding himself curious as well.

"Spock," Coombs repeated, as though that explained everything. At the blank stares he was still getting, he rolled his eyes and said, "Felger's hamster."

vvvvvvvvvvv

Jay Felger swiped his keycard and entered his lab carrying a small cardboard box with 'windows' that said 'I'm Going Home!' on the side of it. A scratching sound emanated from inside of it periodically. He hurried over to the rodent cage and stopped, frowning down into the cage in surprise. There was already a new furry occupant inside. A panda hamster. Very cute. "Aww, hey little guy, where'd you come from?" he asked.

Chloe entered with a donut in her hand and said, "Oh, hi, Jay. You found our new mascot."

"Yeah… thanks, Chloe. He's great!"

"He's actually a 'she,'" Chloe clarified. She spotted the box in his hand and said, "Oh, you got a new one too?"

"Yeah… we need another cage, I guess. Hamsters usually don't get along well together."

"You can't leave yours in his box all day though. Just try it and see – maybe they'll like each other."

"Okay. Guess it couldn't hurt. This one's a girl too though."

"Well, that's good – we won't have to worry about little baby hamsters."

Jay carefully removed the little tan and white hamster from his cardboard box and showed her to Chloe. "Aww, she's so sweet. What are you going to name them?"

Jay put the hamster he brought into the cage with the one Chloe brought. They checked each other out for a few moments and went to sleep. Jay looked at the little furry balled-up animals and said, "Mulder and Scully."

vvvvvvvvvvv

"Um, Jay, I think you'd better see this," Chloe called, peering down into the hamster cage one morning.

"What?" Felger asked as he joined her. "Oh my God."

"I guess Mulder's a boy after all," Chloe commented as they stared down into the cage at a bunch of tiny, wriggling, pink hamster babies.

"This is so typical!" Jay exclaimed suddenly. "You finally get together when nobody's around, completely off-screen…"

"Um, Jay, calm down. These are just hamsters."

"I should have known it when I named them," Jay muttered, scowling down into the cage.

vvvvvvvvvvv

Carter knocked on her CO's door frame hesitantly. He looked up from the file he was reading and smiled. "Carter. What brings you here?"

"Sir… we have a… a small problem," Sam said, biting her lip nervously and hovering in the doorway.

"Get in here and spill it, Carter."

"Remember a couple of months ago when Felger's hamster died?"

"The hamster that I didn't know he had and would not have authorized to live on the base?"

"Um, yes, sir, that would be the one."

"Yes, I remember. Why?"

"Well… shortly after that, apparently, he um… got another one. And Chloe did as well…"

"And why wasn't I informed of this?"

"Well… it didn't seem important enough to bring to your attention at the time, sir. You're so busy after all with much more important…"

"Stop sucking up and tell me why it's important enough to bring to my attention _now._"

"He was under the impression that Mulder and Scully were both female hamsters, sir, but…"

"Mulder and Scully?"

"Yes, sir. But… apparently one of them was actually a male hamster because they had babies a couple of weeks ago. Felger didn't tell anybody."

"And…"

"And… now they've all escaped," Sam finally admitted.

Jack stared at her for several long moments and finally said, "How many of them?"

"Including Mulder and Scully… Nine."

"_Nine!_ Carter… the President is going to be here in _two days_ for an inspection of the SGC. And now you're telling me I've got a rodent problem?"

"Well… at least it's not rats or mice, sir," she tried optimistically.

"Right, because a hamster infestation is just so much better."

"It's cuter at least. Sir, I'll alert the entire base and we'll get the situation under control before the President arrives. Don't worry."

"Why don't we just call an exterminator?"

"Sir, Felger is upset enough. He's worried you're going to fire him."

"Don't tempt me."

"And… he'd rather the hamsters be caught unharmed if at all possible."

"Oh for crying out loud. Carter, make this problem go away. And the first person who starts making tribble jokes is not going to like the consequences."

vvvvvvvvvvv

By noon the next day, General O'Neill was considering hanging a banner outside the base that said, 'Welcome to the SGC – where it isn't what it looks like.' Unusual things were often happening on his base, but over the past twenty-four hours he had seen various SGC personnel (military and civilian alike – whomever Carter could bully into helping with the 'extermination') in a variety of unusual positions.

Siler and the other Sergeant that was always with him had been found with their faces stuck in an air duct, bums sticking straight up in the air. The entire nursing staff had been found crouching on top of the gurneys after a couple of hamsters were spotted skittering across the infirmary. Colonel Reynolds burst out of the locker room with shampoo running down the back of his neck and a towel thrown hastily round his waist after being startled when a wet hamster ran across his feet.

Walter took the cake though. He cornered Mulder in the control room and successfully caught him, only to have the little bugger bite down hard on his left index finger. He yelped and tried to shake the rodent loose. Mulder hung on valiantly for three rough jerks before he was flung loose.

He sailed across the room just as O'Neill and Carter entered the room, right at them both. "Whoa, what the hell?" Jack exclaimed as the hamster flew at him.

Carter caught it carefully and held onto it tightly. "I think this is Mulder, sir," she reported happily. So far he had been the hardest to capture – he had already eluded two SFs and Dr. Lee.

"Great," Jack muttered. "Sergeant, turn off that alarm!" he barked to Walter, then noticing that Walter's hand was dripping with blood.

"Sorry, sir, I accidentally hit something on the control panel when he bit me."

"That's okay, get yourself to the infirmary. Carter, fix the computer."

"Yes, sir." She shoved the hamster into his hands and hurried over to the console as Walter left clutching his injured hand.

"I didn't mean…" Jack started, frowning at the little animal in his hand. The hamster was understandably agitated, and it wriggled around out of his grip, sliding down him and scampering into a corner before he could catch it. "Dammit!" he exclaimed.

Carter shut off the alarm and turned back to him. "Oh no… you let him go?"

"I didn't _let _him go, Carter… now how many are left to catch?"

"Last I heard, including Mulder… three, sir. Don't worry, we'll have them all by the time the President gets here tomorrow."

"I'm giving you five more hours before we start setting traps."

vvvvvvvvvvv

"He's going to fire me," Jay Felger wailed as Carter dragged him by the sleeve into General O'Neill's office.

"He's not going to fire you, Jay," Carter said with a long-suffering sigh. "Are you, sir?" she added.

"Not today," O'Neill said, folding his hands in front of him on the desk. "Okay, rodent-roundup report."

Carter turned to Felger, who swallowed hard and said, "Um, yes, sir, well, Scully was found in the infirmary, Byers and Frohike were apprehended in the store room on level 23, Langley was caught in the commissary, and Chloe found Skinner in her locker…"

"I don't need a play-by-play, Felger. Just a head count. The President will be here in fifteen minutes, he's just passed the first security point."

"Eight, sir. Out of nine," Carter said quickly.

"Mulder's still missing," Felger supplied.

"Mulder? The one that got away from me yesterday?"

"Yes, sir… we tried to confine him to the control room after our encounter with him yesterday, but he… escaped again."

"Okay… well, I guess we'd better call off the search for now."

"I'm sure he'll hide to avoid all the commotion, sir. It shouldn't be a problem."

"Right. We'll see. Felger… if those hamsters aren't gone by this time tomorrow, and I mean _all _of them, I'm donating them to the guys at Area 51 that test the alien plants for poison."

Felger swallowed hard and said, "Yes, sir." He turned to go quickly, then turned back and shifted awkwardly, waiting to be dismissed. O'Neill waved him away with a swatting motion.

As soon as Felger was gone, Jack got to his feet and started making adjustments to his dress uniform. "Haven't worn it in a while – I think the cleaners must have shrunk it," he muttered.

Carter, whose uniform was, of course, immaculate, replied, "I'm sure, sir."

"Hey," he objected halfheartedly.

"Sorry, sir. I'm also sorry about Mulder…"

"Ah, it's not your fault. Eight out of nine captures in less than two days… that's pretty good anyway. At least with all but one caught they can't keep multiplying in the walls or something…"

"Good point."

"Although I still think the hunt would have gone better if you'd armed your searchers with zats."

"I doubt something that small could survive a zat blast, sir."

"What's your point?" he asked with a smirk.

She laughed and looked down – she'd walked right into that one. "Don't worry, sir, as soon as the President leaves we'll resume the search."

"Good, because…" Jack stopped mid-sentence and looked puzzled. He squirmed around uncomfortably, his back tickling.

"Sir?"

"I think… maybe I just found Mulder," Jack said, quickly scrambling to unbutton his jacket.

"Sir…"

"Carter… he's in my shirt! He must have been in my locker or something…"

"How can you have a hamster in your shirt, sir?"

"I don't know, but help me get him out!" he tossed his jacket to his desk and started working on the little buttons of his dress shirt, hopping in place as the hamster squirmed around his back.

"This really isn't the best time for a joke, sir…"

"I'm not joking! Dammit, Carter, help me!" he fumbled with his tie and then froze. "DAMMIT!"

"What, sir?"

"He just went down my pants."

vvvvvvvvvvv

"I'm sorry, Mr. President, I know the General intended to meet you at the surface. Something must have come up," Walter apologized, leading the President and his entourage through the hallowed halls of the SGC to the General's office.

"I understand, Sergeant. May I ask what happened to your finger?"

"Of course, sir. I was… injured yesterday. Just a couple of stitches, no big deal."

"You were injured on the job?"

"Well… technically, yes, sir." Knowing that General O'Neill wanted to keep their recent hamster infestation secret, he quickly changed the subject as they reached O'Neill's office.

"Here we are, sir." He knocked and opened the door to O'Neill's office, calling, "General, the President is…" he trailed off, staring in shock at General O'Neill and Colonel Carter.

They were sitting on the floor in the middle of the office. O'Neill leaned back on his hands, his dress uniform halfway on. His trousers were unbuckled and his wrinkled shirttails were out. The left leg of his trousers was pushed up to his knee, and his shoe and sock were off. And Colonel Carter was sitting on the floor with him, both of her hands up the other leg of his trousers.

"Carter, the President will be here any minute!" O'Neill said impatiently.

"I know, I know!"

"Actually, the President is already here," President Hayes said.

Walter closed his eyes and sighed, certain that somehow the General was going to blame him for this. Two of the Secret Service guys snickered into the backs of their hands.

O'Neill and Carter both froze and looked at their audience in completely mortified shock.

"President Hayes, sir… welcome to the base," Jack O'Neill said, crossing his arms casually over his chest, as if he were in a perfectly normal position. "This looks bad, doesn't it?"

"Yes, Jack, it does," President Hayes agreed. "Colonel Carter, lovely to see you again, as always."

"Yes, sir," she croaked, then made a sudden grab for the hamster she could feel get caught in O'Neill's sock.

"Of course, this isn't what it looks like, I think that goes without saying," O'Neill said, continuing to speak in a ridiculously casual tone.

"Got him!" Carter said quietly, pulling the hamster out, trying to hide it in her hands.

"Colonel Carter?" Hayes prompted as she scrambled to her feet with her hands behind her back and O'Neill started pulling his shoes and socks back on.

"Go ahead, Carter, explain it to him."

"Well, sir… one of our scientists lost a hamster and we were just… finding it," she said, holding out the hamster as proof.

"Oh, a panda hamster!" the President said, smiling and holding out his hands for it.

Carter glanced down at her CO nervously, but he shrugged and waved a permissive hand. She passed the hamster to the President and said, "He um… was apparently hiding in General O'Neill's dress uniform, sir."

"No need to explain, Colonel, my daughters go through several hamsters a year, we've had more than our share of hamster break-outs around the White House."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah. One of them nearly gave General Jumper a heart attack in the Oval Office. They're cute little fellas, aren't they?"

"Yes, sir," Carter agreed quickly.

O'Neill got to his feet and muttered, "Yeah, they're darling."

"All the same, Jack…" President Hayes said, handing the hamster off to Walter, who took the little thing trying not to look like he was terrified of being bitten again. "I really don't think the SGC – or your dress uniform, for that matter – is the best place for a hamster."

"I couldn't agree more, sir," O'Neill said quickly, trying to tuck his shirt into his trousers discreetly.

President Hayes cleared his throat and said, "I think we'd better give you a minute to put yourself together, Jack."

"Thank you, sir."

"I'll go take Mulder back to Dr. Felger, sir," Carter offered quickly, wanting a few minutes to get over her embarrassment in private, and also noticing how uncomfortable Walter looked holding the hamster. She took the hamster quickly and hurried off, and everyone else filed out of the General's office.

"Wow," the President commented, glancing back at the closed door to O'Neill's office. "It looks like I owe George an apology."


End file.
